Subject: Things (Page 34)

I think they should put the wrapper of a straw on the inside because that is the part you don't want to get dirty.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Things

I bought a real expensive water filter, but it works too good; I just get hydrogen.

American comedian & actor
Situations Things

If you play with anything long enough, it will break.

Murphy’s Laws Things Time

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
God Men People Things

For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter… I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

Ever drive by one of those things on the highway which tells you how fast you’re going?… I don’t even pay attention to them anymore because I found a similar gadget in my dashboard

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things

Roads are just a suggestion Marge, just like pants.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Things TV/Movie Quotes

I always expect to see lottery balls blowing around inside there with him.

comedian
Autos Things

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor
Accidents Autos History

I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Characteristics Things

The only reason I exist is so my shadow would have something to do.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Self Things

In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors.

Autos Signs

A condominium is just an apartment with a down payment.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Awards are like piles… sooner or later, every bum gets one.

(1946 – ) British actress, columnist & comedian
Success Things

People will buy anything that’s one to a customer.

(1885 – 1951) American novelist, short-story writer & playwright
Activities Shopping Things

You might be a redneck if… you've ever cut your grass and found a car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Activities Autos People Rednecks

Anybody caught selling macrame in public should be dyed a natural color and hung out to dry.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Situations Things

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Speech Things

Any organization is like a septic tank; the really big chunks rise to the top.

(1923 – 2005) American professor
Things

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body Things