Subject: Things (Page 36)

Diamond: A woman’s idea of a stepping stone to success.

Definitions Things

The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him.

(1925 – ) columnist & journalist
People Things

I locked my keys in the car the other day…. but it was alright, I was still inside.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Autos Science/Weather Situations Things

I saw one of those giant Hummer cars with handicapped tags on it; I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an a**hole was technically a handicap.'

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Health Things

I have an ‘l’ shaped sofa… lower case.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

You might be a redneck if… you think a "quarter horse" is that ride in front of Kmart.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals People Rednecks Things

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?

comedian, commentator, radio host, reporter & writer
Computers Language Sex Things

It's so unfair because I go out of my way not to treat women like objects and end up having to treat objects like women.

stand-up comedian
People Sex Things Women

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Things

Ninety percent of “everything” is crud.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.

Computers Definitions Things

Traffic Light: A little green light that changes to red as your car approaches.

Autos Definitions Things

Pumpkins are the only living organisms with triangle eyes.

(1962 – ) Canadian-American actor, comedian, author & radio personality
Things

Colin had his neck brace fitted years ago and since then he’s never looked back.


Communication Things Wordplay

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
 then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Places Things

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.


Animals Things

Any tool dropped while repairing an automobile will roll under the car to the vehicle's exact geographic center.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

Alarm clock: An instrument used to wake up people who have no kids.

Children Definitions Family Things

1. The last gas station for 50 miles will be closed when you get there. 2. At the moment of any departure, the level of gas in your tank depends entirely on how late you are. 3. You only run out of gas after your wife tells you to stop for gas before you run out.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things Travel