Subject: Things (Page 36)

You might be a redneck if… your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers… and he hates New York.


New York City Places Things

The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather

Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upwards from the floor… especially in the dark.

Accidents Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.

(1917 – ) English physicist & science fiction author
Computers Science/Weather Sex Things

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Language People Things

User: Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Computers Things

Among the things money can't buy is what it used to.

typographer
Money Things

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Things

Boycott shampoo… demand the REAL poo!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

If you can't fix it, feature it.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Accordion: A pleated bagpipe.

Definitions Entertainment Music Things

I put a new engine in my car, but I didn't take the other one out; now I can go 500 mph.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

Bill Gates is a very rich man today… and do you want to know why?… the answer is one word: versions.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Computers Things

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
 road an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Science/Weather Things

The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.

Murphy’s Laws Places Things

I wonder sometimes if manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

(1938 – 2007) British writer
Fools Intelligence People Things

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Autos Situations Things

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Autos Dogs Things

The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Things