Subject: Things (Page 37)

I lost my mood ring and now I don't how to feel about it.

(1968 – ) American actor & comedian
Emotions Things

Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.

(1917 – ) English physicist & science fiction author
Computers Science/Weather Sex Things

When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails… and beat my parents to death.

My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Parents Things

Batteries die at the most critical time of the most complex problem.

Failure Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

Even the police have an unlisted number.

(1908 – 1996) actor & comedian
Government Hollywood Law Things

The one piece that holds the whole thing together will be missing.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

Anything is easier to take apart than it is to put together.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I think they should put the wrapper of a straw on the inside because that is the part you don't want to get dirty.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Things

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor
Accidents Autos History Time Truth

Bad Driver: The person you run into.

Autos Definitions Things

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape; if it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40, if it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.

Things

A private railroad car is not an acquired taste… one takes to it immediately.

(1879 – 1979) English-American actor & writer
Things

My Dad always told me there’s three things you need to have in the boot of your car: a blanket, a shovel and a flask; and he’s right – because whenever I’ve killed a man I’m parched.

(1975 – ) English comedian
Autos Conflict Killing Things

How to locate the slow-moving traffic lane or check-out land: Get in it.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

A farm is an irregular patch of nettles bounded by short-term notes, containing a fool and his wife who didn’t know enough to stay in the city.

(1904 – 1979) Jewish-American humorist, author & screenwriter
Definitions Places Things

My daughter… she failed her drivers test; she couldn’t get used to the front seat.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Children Driving Family Sex

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Things

How is it that one match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box of matches to start a campfire?

Situations Things

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers… and he hates New York.


New York City Places Things

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

Autos Husbands Marriage Wives

Have you ever called the wrong number? They’re always in aren’t they?

(1964 – ) English comedian, writer, actor & musician
Situations Things