Subject: Things (Page 37)

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
People Situations Things

Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
Money Murphy’s Laws Things

When you move something to a more logical place, you only can remember where it used to be and your decision to move it.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I have a telescope on the peep hole of my door so I can see who is at the door for 200 miles.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

Autos Marriage Things Wives

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don’t know how I got there.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Four be the things I’d been better without;

love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Things

Scissors: A piece maker.

Definitions Things

Crowded lifts (elevators) smell different to people with restricted growth.

Characteristics Murphy’s Laws Things

I'm wearing a new perfume that I should recommend to the women in the audience; it's called 'Tester.'

comedian, writer, actor & producer
Things

I lost my mood ring and now I don't how to feel about it.

(1968 – ) American actor & comedian
Emotions Things

It is difficult to see why lace should be so expensive; it is mostly holes.

(1880 – ?) American author
Things

There are only two types of computers in the world: those that waste your precious time and those that waste your precious time faster.

Things Time

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Autos Things

Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction — from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather Things

If most auto accidents happen within five miles of home, why don’t we move ten miles away?

Accidents Autos Problems Things

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, ‘I can’t talk now, I’m going into a tunnel.'

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex Things

Never program and drink beer at the same time.

Alcohol Beer Computers Food/Drink Murphy’s Laws Things

Window Screen: A device for keeping flies in the house.

Definitions Things

An extravagance is anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife.

(1881 – 1960) American columnist
Marriage Things Wives

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things