Subject: Things (Page 37)

Paper is always strongest at the perforations.

Murphy’s Laws Things

What do batteries run on?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me – come a little closer!"

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.

Murphy’s Laws Things

When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're certain you're finished with, you will need it instantly.

Murphy’s Laws Things Time

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death Things Time

I Xeroxed a mirror and now I have an extra Xerox machine.


Things

An artist is somebody who produces things that people don’t need to have.

(1928 – 1987) painter, printmaker & filmmaker
Entertainment Things

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up… I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Things

Police radios are the aural equivalent of doctors’ handwriting.

(1933 – 2008) American writer
Things

To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Autos Men Things

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

Things hate people.

Murphy’s Laws People Things

No two people in a car can agree on which window should be open… and how much.

Autos Things

You think it's possible for them to design an electric car that doesn't look like a gay spaceship?

(1953 – ) American comedian & writer
Autos Things

People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Life People Things

To err is human but to really foul up requires a computer.

(1931 – ) television newscaster
Computers Mistakes Problems Things

You can get a lot more done with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone.

(1899 – 1947) American gangster
Arms Characteristics Things

I lost my mood ring and now I don't how to feel about it.

(1968 – ) American actor & comedian
Emotions Things

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Past Things Time

I had my coathangers spayed.


Things