Subject: Things (Page 37)

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Communication Situations Things

If you don’t know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That’s the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.

(1941 – ) actor, writer, poet & feminist
Autos Men People

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Autos Things

I have an ‘l’ shaped sofa… lower case.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

The effort of catching a falling object will cause more destruction than if the object had been allowed to fall in the first place.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Science/Weather Things

A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist
Autos Children Family Mothers

Carla: I have a way with inanimate objects.

Cliff: Maybe you’d like to take a crack at Norm here.

(1947 – ) American actor & entrepreneur
Things TV/Movie Quotes

You might be a redneck if… your home has more miles on it than your car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
Autos Beliefs Religion Things

A component’s degree of reliability is directly proportional to its ease of accessibility (i.e., the harder it is to get to, the more often it breaks down).

Failure Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

I have a time machine at home; it only goes forward at regular speed.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things Time

To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Autos Men Things

Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches too high.

writer, humorist, columnist & speaker
Men Sex Things Women

We are now able to create virtual realities on computers… are we all living in one created by someone in the future?

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host
Computers Things

Obsolete: Any computer you own.

Computers Definitions Things

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Autos Things

A falling body always rolls to the most inaccessible spot.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Alarm clock: An instrument used to wake up people who have no kids.

Children Definitions Family Things

I have always felt a gift diamond shines so much better than one you buy for yourself.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Things

I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Autos Driving Things