Subject: Things (Page 37)

Certain items which are crucial to a given activity will show up with uncommon regularity until the day when that activity is planned, at which point the item in question will disappear from the face of the earth.

Murphy’s Laws Things

You might be a redneck if… your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things

I saw a sheet lying on the floor… it must have been a ghost that had passed out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

You always find something in the last place you look.

Murphy’s Laws Places Things

This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

Never buy a man a plasma TV until you’re married; a lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don’t need a girlfriend.

(1963 – ) American comedian & author
Entertainment Television Things

There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Food/Drink People Things

Never buy a car that has a wick.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

Put the trash in the Hipsy-Hampster.

Malaprops Things

If the Internet is any guide, a lot of people who are pro-gun are also anti-spelling.

(1958 – ) American writer, comedian, satirist & actor
Things

The Yugo has come out with a very clever antitheft device… they made their name bigger.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Autos Things

The distance you have to park from your apartment increases in proportion to the weight of packages you are carrying.

Autos Murphy’s Laws

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite; green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the f**k did you get that banana at?'

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Arms Situations Things

… electrical degenerators

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Things

Why are there an interstate highway in Hawaii?

(1946 – ) American comedian
Things

The one piece that holds the whole thing together will be missing.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

I don't have any trouble parking; I drive a forklift.

(1948 – 1990) comedian
Autos Things

The days of the digital watch are numbered.

(1937 – ) British playwright & screenwriter
Things Time

If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.

(1866 – 1944) American writer, newspaper columnist, playwright & humorist
Marriage Things