Subject: Things (Page 38)

Father had a secret of making inanimate objects appear to possess malevolent life of their own, and sometimes it was hard to believe that his tools and materials were not really in a conspiracy against him.

(1903 – 1966) Irish writer
Things

Met a guy this morning with a glass eye; he didn’t tell me – it just came out in the conversation.

(1954 – ) American writer
Miscellaneous Things

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Animals Dogs Things

I always expect to see lottery balls blowing around inside there with him.

comedian
Autos Things

Condoms aren't completely safe; a friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

Things

A falling body always rolls to the most inaccessible spot.

Murphy’s Laws Things

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor
Accidents Autos History Time Truth

I always thought that quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be… you watch cartoons and quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about, behind

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Situations Things

A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will self-destruct on the 61st day.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I bought a real expensive water filter, but it works too good; I just get hydrogen.

American comedian & actor
Situations Things

Men still die with their boots on, but usually one boot is on the accelerator.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Accidents Autos Clothing Death Problems

Absolutum obsoletum – If it works, it’s out of date.

Murphy’s Laws Things Time

Communism doesn’t work because people like to own stuff.

(1940 – 1993) composer, guitarist, record producer & film director
Beliefs People Things

The days of the digital watch are numbered.

(1937 – ) British playwright & screenwriter
Things Time

Whatever is not nailed down is mine; what I can pry loose is not nailed down.

(1821 – 1900) American railroad magnate
People Self Things

Life is too short to own a German car.

(1937 – 2014) American co-host of radio show “Car Talk”
Autos Things

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Autos Driving Fools Intelligence Things

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Autos Things

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.


Animals Things

You might be a redneck if… you have the electronic singing fish in more than three rooms in your house.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

Death is nature's way of saying, "Your table's ready."

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Death Things