Subject: Things (Page 38)

I knew a guy who had a waterbed on a houseboat, to cancel out the rocking.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Things

Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money.

Definitions Things

When I was 15 years old, I got my learner’s permit, which meant that the state of Florida was now obligating me to learn to drive with the two worst drivers in the world: my mom and my dad.

(1959 – ) American comedian, comedy writer, actor & author
Autos Driving Family Parents Situations

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Respirator: An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth… whereby to filter the visible universe in its passage to the lungs.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Things

If you use the electric vibrator near water, you may come and go at the same time.


Sex Things

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’, but he hesitated.

comedian
Things

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Autos New York City Situations

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things

I bought some used paint… it was in the shape of a house.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

If you play with anything long enough, it will break.

Murphy’s Laws Things Time

The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Autos New York City Places

Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers.

American computer programmer
Computers Occupations Things Work

Life is too short to own a German car.

(1937 – 2014) American co-host of radio show “Car Talk”
Autos Things

Met a guy this morning with a glass eye; he didn’t tell me – it just came out in the conversation.

(1954 – ) American writer
Miscellaneous Things

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Autos Science/Weather Situations Things

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

I like to leave messages before the beep.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Things

A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Money Things