Subject: Things (Page 38)

You can find your way across this country using burger joints the way a navigator uses stars.

(1934 – 1997) journalist
Activities America Autos Places Travel

Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches too high.

writer, humorist, columnist & speaker
Men Sex Things Women

Alarm clock: An instrument used to wake up people who have no kids.

Children Definitions Family Things

Big girls need big diamonds.

(1932 – 2011) British-American actress
Things

I've never understood the concept of the gift certificate, because for the same $50 bucks, [my friend] could've gotten me $50 bucks.

(1969 – ) American stand-up comedian
Things

Four be the things I’d been better without;

love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Things

A falling nozzle will turn toward you and land on its trigger.

Problems Things

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I got a smoke alarm at home… but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I have a time machine at home; it only goes forward at regular speed.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things Time

Telephone: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Things

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Congress Government People Situations Things

I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

His car is so expensive the radiator requires Perrier.

Autos Exaggerations Things

I went to look for a used car; I found my wife's dress in the back seat!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Marriage Things Wives

People will accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him.

(1925 – 2007) humorist & columnist
Autos Driving Things

Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.

Murphy’s Laws Things

My wife had her driver’s test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Autos Driving

Do you think shaving cream really softens your beard… or is it just so you don't lose your place?

comedian
Things

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Computers Dogs School Things