Subject: Things (Page 38)

Big girls need big diamonds.

(1932 – 2011) British-American actress
Things

If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.

(1866 – 1944) American writer, newspaper columnist, playwright & humorist
Marriage Things

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Things

The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Things

It’s not living alone if you keep a rifle under the bed.

(1962 – ) writer & journalist
Arms Life Things

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Things

We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed without them in 'Red Storm Rising.'

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician
Arms Books Communication Reading/Writing Things

The main reason I don’t cheat on my girlfriend is so I can go for a shower without taking my phone, laptop and iPad with me.

British comedian
Computers Relationships Things

I like to tease my plants when I water them… I like to water them with ice cubes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

You might be a redneck if… you've painted a car with house paint.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks Things

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language Things

1. Nothing minor ever happens to a car on the weekend. 2. Nothing minor ever happens to a car on a trip. 3. Nothing minor ever happens to a car.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Problems

I Xeroxed a mirror and now I have an extra Xerox machine.


Things

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Husbands Marriage Things Wives

Saturday afternoon, although occurring at regular and well-foreseen intervals, always takes this railway by surprise.

(1836 – 1911) English dramatist, librettist, poet & illustrator
Problems Things

I've never understood the concept of the gift certificate, because for the same $50 bucks, [my friend] could've gotten me $50 bucks.

(1969 – ) American stand-up comedian
Things

Women like jewelry; they’re like raccoons: show them some shiny stuff and they’ll follow you home.

(1962 – ) American comedian & actor
People Things Women

Reclimbing chair

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Things

If you buy your first new car in fifteen years, next year they will introduce a new model with twenty seven new features never seen on a car before and the introductory price of the car will be eleven hundred dollars less than you paid for yours.

Autos Things

Why is it drug addicts and computer afficionados are both called users?

(1950 – ) astronomer, author & computer security consultant
Computers People Things

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Autos Situations Things