Subject: Things (Page 39)

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, ‘I can’t talk now, I’m going into a tunnel.'

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex Things

I got binoculars ’cause I don’t want to go that close.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

That's all you're doing – swearing, in a box with wheels.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday; she says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.

Things

When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

Activities Murphy’s Laws Things Time Travel

You might be a redneck if… your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks

His tattoos are like shit that you wrote on the cover of your notebook.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Insults Things

… electrical degenerators

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Things

I hate women because they always know where things are.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
People Things Women

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
 then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Places Things

I bought a real expensive water filter, but it works too good; I just get hydrogen.

American comedian & actor
Situations Things

Scissors: A piece maker.

Definitions Things

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Money Things Work

Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.

America Murphy’s Laws Things

I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning, ‘Are we then yet?’

(1987 – ) British comedian
Things Wordplay

I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I love that smell of the emissions!

(1964 – ) U.S. governor (Alaska) commentator & author
Things

I like handicapped men ’cause a handicapped man get a check and a good parking space.

(1971 – ) American comedian & actress
Autos Money People

I knew these Siamese twins; they moved to England, so the other one could drive.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Driving England Places