Subject: Things (Page 39)

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language Things

Oar: Clumsy wooden implement used to moisten boat occupants.

Definitions Things

If you use the electric vibrator near water, you may come and go at the same time.


Sex Things

I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets; it seems to me they are wonderful things for other people to go on.

(1922 – 2003) author & playwright
Things

A sieve may not hold water, but it will hold another sieve.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor
Things

The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me; I said, “Well, what do you need?”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Arms Canada Places Things

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
 then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Places Things

Any program will expand to fill available memory.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Things

Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Things Wordplay

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor
Accidents Autos History Time Truth

Telephone: A contrivance for letting us talk to people whom we don’t want to meet.

Definitions Things

Car Pool: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

Autos Definitions Things

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Things

Frasier: If a child of four can ride one, (a bicycle), then so can we.

Niles: That’s what you said when we were six.

(1959 – ) American actor
Things TV/Movie Quotes

The doctor must have put my pacemaker in wrong; every time my husband kisses me, the garage door goes up.

(1912 – 1996) American country comedian
Things

I have no problems with buying tampons, I am a fairly modern man… but apparently they’re not a ‘proper’ present.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Things

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

British stand-up comedian, writer & actor
Communication Things Wordplay

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the states, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
America Arms Things

I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Things Work

People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Life People Things