Subject: Things (Page 4)

How to locate the slow-moving traffic lane or check-out land: Get in it.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

The leading cause of hot air balloon crashes is blowing an open flame into a f**king cloth balloon with a basket attached.

(1973 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actor, director & producer
Accidents Problems Things

I bought a real expensive water filter, but it works too good; I just get hydrogen.

American comedian & actor
Situations Things

I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets; it seems to me they are wonderful things for other people to go on.

(1922 – 2003) author & playwright
Things

It is difficult to see why lace should be so expensive; it is mostly holes.

(1880 – ?) American author
Things

Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists, and business executives, maybe someday they can master parallel parking.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor
Autos Occupations People Situations Women Work

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair.

(1952 – 2001) English writer, dramatist, & musician
Failure Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations Things

I put a new engine in my car, but I didn't take the other one out; now I can go 500 mph.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Things

Fountain pen: A writing instrument that works marvelously in the store.

Definitions Things

If everything seems under control, you’re not going fast enough.

(1940 – ) Italian-American auto racer
Autos Situations Sports

If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Things

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

Autos Marriage Things Wives

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

Failure Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

A farm is an irregular patch of nettles bounded by short-term notes, containing a fool and his wife who didn’t know enough to stay in the city.

(1904 – 1979) Jewish-American humorist, author & screenwriter
Definitions Places Things

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Things Yogi-isms

You're never too poor for good toilet paper.

comedian
Money Poverty Things

If the Internet is any guide, a lot of people who are pro-gun are also anti-spelling.

(1958 – ) American writer, comedian, satirist & actor
Things

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder… I don't get on with my real ladder.

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer
Things

The most used appliance in our house is my 10-year-old son Leon's Xbox.

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Activities Things

Whatever is not nailed down is mine; what I can pry loose is not nailed down.

(1821 – 1900) American railroad magnate
People Self Things