Subject: Things (Page 40)

I like going to the park and watching the children run and jump around, because you see, they don't know I'm using blanks.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Arms Children People Things

Parking Meter: An automatic device that bets a dollar to your nickel that you can’t get back before the time runs out.

Definitions Things

Twitter makes you like people you don’t know, and Facebook makes you hate people you do.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights and now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Things

No two people in a car can agree on which window should be open… and how much.

Autos Things

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Things

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?


Communication Language Things

I got up the other day and everything in my apartment was stolen and replaced with an exact replica.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Crime Things

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

The two leading recipes for success are building a better mousetrap and finding a bigger loophole.


Success Things

Nothing that I know can help you with your car… ever… unless you’re like: “Hey I’ve got a flat tire, does anyone here know a lot about the “Cosby Show”?’

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Autos Things

Key Ring: A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

Definitions Things

Boycott shampoo… demand the REAL poo!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Things

Your wife's stored possessions will always be on top of your stored possessions.

Marriage Murphy’s Laws Things Wives

You might be a redneck if… your home has more miles on it than your car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?


(1924 – ) American businessman, president, CEO of Chrysler Corporation
Autos Situations

The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather Things

They live in a beautiful apartment overlooking their rent.

Money Situations Things

I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Activities Places Things Travel