Subject: Things (Page 40)

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body Things

A falling body always rolls to the most inaccessible spot.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Big girls need big diamonds.

(1932 – 2011) British-American actress
Things

My wife had her driver’s test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Autos Driving

The electric guitar – like making love – is much improved by a little feedback, completely ruined by too much.

(1967 – ) English comedian
Sex Things

I have a map of the United States… actual size.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
America Places Things

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Money Things Work

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?

comedian, commentator, radio host, reporter & writer
Computers Language Sex Things

I saw a sheet lying on the floor… it must have been a ghost that had passed out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

Mommy, Why is There a Server in the House?

Book Titles Computers Things

You might be a redneck if… you wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

1. The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
2. You will reach it just in time to hear the click of the caller hanging up.

Communication Murphy’s Laws Things

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

A condominium is just an apartment with a down payment.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

If everything seems under control, you’re not going fast enough.

(1940 – ) Italian-American auto racer
Autos Situations Sports

Things always fall at right angles.

Accidents Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Autos Things

The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things