Subject: Things (Page 40)

I recently purchased a yo-yo at a flea market for just 15 cents – no strings attached!

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Things

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist
Autos Driving Marriage Wives

My wife told me she likes to have sex in the back seat of the car. I drove her and that guy around all night.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Sex Things

A church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence.

(1959 – ) Australian writer & television producer
Beliefs Things

The three things that mean the most to me in life are my parents, Casablanca and college football – not necessarily in that order.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Life Things

The lights are most likely to come back on at the precise moment you find the flashlight.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Murphy’s Laws Things

The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather Things

I saw a sheet lying on the floor… it must have been a ghost that had passed out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

Brecher: Unless there’s a canary in here, my hearing aid just died.
Interviewer: How long do those batteries last?
Brecher: About two weeks… longer if you don’t do any listening.

(1914 – 2008) screenwriter
Things

The Yugo has come out with a very clever antitheft device… they made their name bigger.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Autos Things

I like handicapped men ’cause a handicapped man get a check and a good parking space.

(1971 – ) American comedian & actress
Autos Money People

Antique: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of,  and you're buying again.

Definitions Things

I was at the plant shop for the fourth time last week asking the guy to please sell me something with a will to live.

(1984 – ) American stand-up comedian
Things

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Speech Things

You might be a redneck if… you have the electronic singing fish in more than three rooms in your house.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

You might be a redneck if… you wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Autos New York City Places

A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.

Proverbs Things

I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Autos Driving Things

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Communication Life People Things

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the states, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
America Arms Things