Subject: Things (Page 40)

You might be a redneck if… you think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Places Rednecks Things

Traffic increases to fill the road space available.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

Reclimbing chair

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Things

Never buy a man a plasma TV until you’re married; a lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don’t need a girlfriend.

(1963 – ) American comedian & author
Entertainment Television Things

Ever since the young men have owned motorcycles, incest has been dying out.

(1911 – 1991) Swiss playwright & novelist
Intelligence Situations Things

When putting things back together again, there will always be at least one piece left over that will not fit anywhere.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up… I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Things

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Fights Things

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Science/Weather Things

The tire is only flat on the bottom.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

An unbreakable toy is good for breaking other toys.

Murphy’s Laws Things

What are imitation rhinestones?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

No name, no matter how simple, can be correctly understood over the phone.

Communication Murphy’s Laws Things

An antique is something that’s been useless so long it’s still in pretty good condition.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Things

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws… only catapults.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Fat Things

Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.

Murphy’s Laws Places Things

I play the harmonica, but only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Music Things

There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Food/Drink People Things

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Law Things

You might be a redneck if… you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

The distance you have to park from your apartment increases in proportion to the weight of packages you are carrying.

Autos Murphy’s Laws