Subject: Things (Page 5)

The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Autos New York City Places

I have the oldest typewriter in the world; it types in pencil.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Science/Weather Things

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
God Men People Things

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Failure Problems Things

Why are there an interstate highway in Hawaii?

(1946 – ) American comedian
Things

I put a new engine in my car, but didn’t take the old one out and now my car goes 500 miles an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Things

Nothing that I know can help you with your car… ever… unless you’re like: “Hey I’ve got a flat tire, does anyone here know a lot about the “Cosby Show”?’

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Autos Things

If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.

(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & businessman
Emotions Things

It would appear that we have reached the limits of what it is possible to achieve with computer technology, although one should be careful with such statements, as they tend to sound pretty silly in 5 years.

(1903 – 1957) Hungarian-American mathematician
Computers Future Science/Weather Things Time

A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never sure.

Murphy’s Laws Things Time

Road: A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Activities Autos Definitions Things Travel

If you use the electric vibrator near water, you may come and go at the same time.


Sex Things

I recently purchased a yo-yo at a flea market for just 15 cents – no strings attached!

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Things

God is good, but never dance in a small boat.

Dance God Proverbs Things

Never buy a man a plasma TV until you’re married; a lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don’t need a girlfriend.

(1963 – ) American comedian & author
Entertainment Television Things

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Speech Things

If you buy your first new car in fifteen years, next year they will introduce a new model with twenty seven new features never seen on a car before and the introductory price of the car will be eleven hundred dollars less than you paid for yours.

Autos Things

I wonder sometimes if manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

(1938 – 2007) British writer
Fools Intelligence People Things

They live in a beautiful apartment overlooking their rent.

Money Situations Things

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don’t know how I got there.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

You might be a redneck if… you just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Situations Things