Subject: Things (Page 5)

Condoms aren't completely safe; a friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

Things

After large expenditures of federal, state, and county funds; after much confusion generated by detours and road blocks; after greatly annoying the surrounding population with noise, dust, and fumes – the previously existing traffic jam is relocated by one-half mile.

Autos Murphy’s Laws

I knew these Siamese twins; they moved to England, so the other one could drive.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Driving England Places

You might be a redneck if… your the tail light covers of your car are made of red tape.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks Things

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

There is always one more bug.

Computers Mistakes Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and turns up my radio every time I park?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Things

The first pull on the cord ALWAYS sends the drapes in the wrong direction.

Murphy’s Laws Things

There are only two types of computers in the world: those that waste your precious time and those that waste your precious time faster.

Things Time

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death Things Time

Mobile phone cancer is more common in the city; so is everything else, including sex, coffee and conversation.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Health Things

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Things

No matter the amount of care given to a purchased object, it will fuse/explode/disassemble within three (3) days of warranty expiration.

Things

Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!

Autos Marriage Things

When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

Activities Murphy’s Laws Things Time Travel

Nothing ages your car as much as the sight of your neighbor’s new one.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Autos Things

The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.

(1943 – ) comedian & actor
Alcohol Things

The effort of catching a falling object will cause more destruction than if the object had been allowed to fall in the first place.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Science/Weather Things

Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.

Things

A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.

Proverbs Things

I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning, ‘Are we then yet?’

(1987 – ) British comedian
Things Wordplay