Subject: Things (Page 6)

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

Autos Husbands Marriage Wives

The one piece that holds the whole thing together will be missing.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

You can't have everything; where would you put it?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

When I was on acid, I’d see things like beams of light and I’d hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Autos Drugs Situations

You might be a redneck if… you have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

Umbrella: A movable roof.

Definitions Things

The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

They [airplane oxygen masks] don’t really help you… they’re just there to muffle the screams.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Things Travel

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

I once locked my keys out of my car… I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

How come irons have a setting for “permanent” press?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him.

(1925 – ) columnist & journalist
People Things

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Communication Computers Things

We are now able to create virtual realities on computers… are we all living in one created by someone in the future?

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host
Computers Things

A church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence.

(1959 – ) Australian writer & television producer
Beliefs Things

There’s always one more bug.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Things

One thing that really irritates me is a thousand things.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer
Things

Colin had his neck brace fitted years ago and since then he’s never looked back.


Communication Things Wordplay

Flashlight: A case for storing dead batteries.

Definitions Things

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Autos Children Family Things

Expressways aren’t.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things