Subject: Things (Page 7)

Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

I'm an ice sculptor – last night I made a cube… this morning I made 12

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Things

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Communication Computers Science/Weather Things

The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.

(1943 – ) comedian & actor
Alcohol Things

They [airplane oxygen masks] don’t really help you… they’re just there to muffle the screams.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Things Travel

The tombstone is about the only thing that can stand upright and lie on its face at the same time.

(1880 – ?) American author
Beliefs Honesty Lies Things

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Fights Things

I was at the plant shop for the fourth time last week asking the guy to please sell me something with a will to live.

(1984 – ) American stand-up comedian
Things

You might be a redneck if… you hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

An extravagance is anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife.

(1881 – 1960) American columnist
Marriage Things Wives

Whenever you need to stop at a light to put on makeup, every light will be green.

Autos Murphy’s Laws

Vacuum Cleaner: A sonic broom.

Definitions Things

We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?


(1924 – ) American businessman, president, CEO of Chrysler Corporation
Autos Situations

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years.

Computers Mistakes Murphy’s Laws Things Time

Brecher: Unless there’s a canary in here, my hearing aid just died.
Interviewer: How long do those batteries last?
Brecher: About two weeks… longer if you don’t do any listening.

(1914 – 2008) screenwriter
Things

Pumpkins are the only living organisms with triangle eyes.

(1962 – ) Canadian-American actor, comedian, author & radio personality
Things

Traffic increases to fill the road space available.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

If it’s good, they’ll stop making it.

(1909 – 2001) editorial cartoonist & author
Murphy’s Laws Things

I wonder sometimes if manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

(1938 – 2007) British writer
Fools Intelligence People Things

To err is human… and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Computers Failure Mistakes Things