Subject: Things (Page 8)

Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.

American entrepreneur & author
Autos Money Things

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Characteristics Driving Situations

A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe.

(1920 – 2004) Canadian author, television personality & journalist
People Places Sex Things

I recently got a fake tattoo on my arm, which is cool. I got one of those iron-on kinds; it's real cheap, it's cool – it's a flaming skull inside a giant red burn mark.

(1972 – ) television producer, writer, voice actor, comedian & musician
Situations Things

To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Autos Men Things

Vacuum Cleaner: A sonic broom.

Definitions Things

A falling body always rolls to the most inaccessible spot.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I like to tease my plants when I water them… I like to water them with ice cubes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

People can have the Model T in any color – so long as it's black.

(1863 – 1947) automobile industrialist
Autos Things

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Marriage Things Wives

1. You can get “anywhere” in ten minutes if you go fast enough.
2. Speed bumps are of negligible effect when the vehicle exceeds triple the desired restraining speed.
3. The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.
4. This lane ends in 500 feet.

Activities Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Travel

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor
Autos People Things Women

This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

1. All bicycles weigh 50 pounds.
2. 30-pound bicycle needs a 20-pound lock and chain.
3. A 40-pound bicycle needs a 10-pound lock and chain.
4. A 50-pound bicycle needs no lock or chain.

Murphy’s Laws Things

People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Life People Things

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

You might be a redneck if… you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Food/Drink People Rednecks Things

Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier.

Autos Misspokements Situations Things

Women like jewelry; they’re like raccoons: show them some shiny stuff and they’ll follow you home.

(1962 – ) American comedian & actor
People Things Women

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

Whenever I hang out with a group of friends, I try to make sure we hang out clockwise… that way, if we're photographed, we are easy to identify.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things