Subject: Things (Page 8)

If you find something you like buy a lifetime supply – they’re going to stop making it.

Murphy’s Laws Things

1. The last gas station for 50 miles will be closed when you get there. 2. At the moment of any departure, the level of gas in your tank depends entirely on how late you are. 3. You only run out of gas after your wife tells you to stop for gas before you run out.

Autos Murphy’s Laws

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Death Things

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Computers Games Sports Things

Any paint, regardless of quality or composition, will adhere permanently to any surface, prepared or otherwise, if applied accidentally.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Errol Flynn died on a 70-foot boat with a 17-year-old girl; Walter has always wanted to go that way, but he's going to settle for a 17-footer with a 70-year-old.

(1916– 2005) American wife of Walter Cronkite
Death People Things

How to locate the slow-moving traffic lane or check-out land: Get in it.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Murphy’s Laws Things

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

1. All bicycles weigh 50 pounds.
2. 30-pound bicycle needs a 20-pound lock and chain.
3. A 40-pound bicycle needs a 10-pound lock and chain.
4. A 50-pound bicycle needs no lock or chain.

Murphy’s Laws Things

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Autos Situations Things

I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Doctors Health Old Things

Cigarettes are very like weasels — perfectly harmless unless you put one in your mouth and try to set fire to it.

(1962 – ) English comedian, singer, songwriter & playwright
Things

You do not need to put an Obama sticker on a Prius… we get it.


Autos Beliefs Things

In California, if someone crosses the street, we'll stop.

(1963 – ) American actor & stand-up comedian
Autos Places

When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking his automobile.

(1947 – ) radio broadcaster & host
Autos Situations Things

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Murphy’s Laws Things

What are imitation rhinestones?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Things

I spent all my money on a FAX machine; now I can only FAX collect.

Money Things

How is it that one match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box of matches to start a campfire?

Situations Things