Subject: Things (Page 8)

You might be a redneck if… you have the electronic singing fish in more than three rooms in your house.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

I Xeroxed a mirror and now I have an extra Xerox machine.


Things

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Books Communication Reading/Writing Things

If it can break, it will, but only after the warranty expires.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

I love that smell of the emissions!

(1964 – ) U.S. governor (Alaska) commentator & author
Things

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Alcohol Food/Drink Things

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Computers Games Sports Things

The Yugo has come out with a very clever antitheft device… they made their name bigger.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Autos Things

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who cannot sleep with window shut, and a woman who cannot sleep with the window open.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Activities Husbands Marriage Relationships Sleep Things Wives

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.

(1931 – ) television newscaster
America Autos People

Whenever you need to stop at a light to put on makeup, every light will be green.

Autos Murphy’s Laws

The electric guitar – like making love – is much improved by a little feedback, completely ruined by too much.

(1967 – ) English comedian
Sex Things

The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Autos New York City Places

Children and [zippers] do not respond to force… except occasionally.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Children Family Things

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Cats Food/Drink Things

Expressways aren’t.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

Stuff tends to break when it is loaned or borrowed.

Accidents Problems Things

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Arms Conflict Things

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you’re providing support for a lifetime.


Computers Sex Things

I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Characteristics Situations Things