Subject: Things (Page 9)

When buying a used car, punch the buttons on the radio; if all the stations are rock ‘n’ roll, there’s a good chance the transmission is shot.

(1940 – ) American radio disc jockey
Autos Entertainment Music Things

A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.

Proverbs Things

It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Autos Fools Things

In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors.

Autos Signs

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall; if I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

Automobile: A payment plan on wheels.

Autos Definitions Things

I think a treehouse is really insensitive; that's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

Nothing with a plug on it, nothing worn directly next to the skin, no clothing that will turn out to be too small rather than too big, and nothing that you actually want for yourself and are trying to disguise as a gift.

Men Murphy’s Laws People Things Women

Only after locking your toolbox/shed at the end of a DIY job do you find another tool to return to your toolbox/shed.

Murphy’s Laws Things Time

Nature abhors a vacuum… and so do I.

American cartoonist & greeting card illustrator
Housework Situations Things Work

When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches too high.

writer, humorist, columnist & speaker
Men Sex Things Women

If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.

(1866 – 1944) American writer, newspaper columnist, playwright & humorist
Marriage Things

If the Internet is any guide, a lot of people who are pro-gun are also anti-spelling.

(1958 – ) American writer, comedian, satirist & actor
Things

The two leading recipes for success are building a better mousetrap and finding a bigger loophole.


Success Things

To err is human… and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Computers Failure Mistakes Things

We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids; it’s SPF 80: you squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.

(1961 – ) American television producer, writer, actor & comedian
Things

I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning, ‘Are we then yet?’

(1987 – ) British comedian
Things Wordplay

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Money Things

I took my headlights out and put strobe lights in; now when I drive at night it looks like I am the only one that is moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Things