Subject: Things (Page 9)

Duct tape is like “The Force” … it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Things

You might be a redneck if… you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

The amount of junk is in direct proportion to the amount of space available.

Murphy’s Laws Things

As every parent of a small child knows, converting a large object into small fragments is considerably easier than the reverse process.

(1944 – ) American computer scientist
Computers Things

If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two new parking spaces right in front of the building entrance.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Age Things

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.

(1935 – 2002) English actor, comedian, composer & musician
Autos Things

It's so unfair because I go out of my way not to treat women like objects and end up having to treat objects like women.

stand-up comedian
People Sex Things Women

Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier.

Autos Misspokements Situations Things

Ever drive by one of those things on the highway which tells you how fast you’re going?… I don’t even pay attention to them anymore because I found a similar gadget in my dashboard

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
Things

I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.

(1847 – 1931) American inventor, scientist & businessman
Situations Things

Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.

(1936 – ) novelist
Communication Food/Drink Language Things

I've searched all the parks in all the cities and found no statues of committees.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
Places Success Things

They think they can make fuel from horse manure…. now, I don’t know if your car will be able to get 30 miles to the gallon, but it’s sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.

(1915 – 1959) American jazz singer & songwriter
Autos Things

My car broke down this morning before I did.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Autos Things

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Things

If you use the electric vibrator near water, you may come and go at the same time.


Sex Things

I have an ‘l’ shaped sofa… lower case.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

In any household, junk accumulates to fill the space available for its storage.

Murphy’s Laws Things

All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.

Murphy’s Laws Things