Subject: Things (Page 9)

Nothing ages your car as much as the sight of your neighbor’s new one.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Autos Things

Old? The only thing that kept it standing were the woodworms holding hands.

(1954 – ) American writer
Things

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?

comedian, commentator, radio host, reporter & writer
Computers Language Sex Things

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Characteristics Driving Situations

An alarm clock is built with a mechanism to scare the daylights into you.

Things

When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking his automobile.

(1947 – ) radio broadcaster & host
Autos Situations Things

You might be a redneck if… you think a "quarter horse" is that ride in front of Kmart.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals People Rednecks Things

An extravagance is anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife.

(1881 – 1960) American columnist
Marriage Things Wives

I have a telescope on the peep hole of my door so I can see who is at the door for 200 miles.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

When you want to unlock a door but only have one hand free, the keys will be in the opposite pocket.

Murphy’s Laws Things

You might be a redneck if… you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

The Yugo has come out with a very clever antitheft device… they made their name bigger.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Autos Things

What do batteries run on?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Characteristics Children People Things

Any tool dropped while repairing an automobile will roll beneath the vehicle to its exact centre.

Autos Murphy’s Laws

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Wordplay

I was wondering why a Frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets… and then it hit me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

Rummage Sale: Where you buy stuff from somebody else’s attic to store in your own.

Activities Definitions Shopping Things

I bought a perfect second car… a tow truck.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Things

I came from a real tough neighborhood; on my street, the kids take hubcaps – from moving cars.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Places Things

Bachelor's degrees make pretty good placemats if you get 'em laminated.

(1980 – ) cartoonist
Education School Things