Subject: Time (Page 16)

Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised; and there's a reason – all of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Food/Drink Past Time

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour; I said, “the whole time.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Time

Time’s fun when you're having flies.

(1936 – 1990) cartoonist, screenwriter, director & creator of the Muppets
Time TV/Movie Quotes

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Time

I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said “Sorry, we’re closed” … you don’t have to be sorry – it’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Time

Baseball has the great advantage over cricket of being sooner ended.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Baseball Sports Time

Everything will go wrong at one time.

Corollary: That time is always when you least expect it.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Time

Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.

Murphy’s Laws Time

One night I came home very late; it was the next night.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

What happens to me next year will happen to me no matter what happens.

professional basketball player
Future Misspokements Sports

History must repeat itself because we pay such little attention to it the first time.

(1919 – ) American sportswriter
History Sports Time

There’s no future in time travel.

Activities Future Past Time Travel

Why do they collect garbage at 5 a.m.; it’s garbage… it’s not going to go bad again.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Situations Time

When a person says that, in the interest of saving time, he will summarize his prepared statement, he will talk only three times as long as if he had read the statement in the first place.

Communication Murphy’s Laws Speech Time

To the question: Do married people live longer?

Fields responded: No, it just seems longer.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Life Marriage Time

History doesn't repeat itself – historians merely repeat each other.

History Murphy’s Laws Time

Traditions are group efforts to keep the unexpected from happening.

American business woman & magazine editor
History Time

The only way of catching a train I ever discovered is to miss the train before.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
Situations Time

There can’t be a crisis next week, my schedule is already full.

(1923 – ) German-born diplomat & scholar
Situations Time

He who hesitates is poor.

(1926 – ) film director, screenwriter, composer, comedian, actor & producer
Money Poverty Time

I took a course in speed waiting… now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.


Learning Time