Subject: TV/Movie Quotes (Page 39)

Crowbar… dynamite… cyanide; Fester… as if we'd run out.

(1951 – ) American actress & director

Gomez: [helping Morticia out of a torture device] Leather straps… red-hot pokers…

Morticia: Later, my dearest.

(1951 – ) American actress & director

Vivian: That would make you a… lawyer.
Edward: What makes you think I’m a lawyer?
Vivian: You have that sharp, useless look about you.

(1967 – ) American actress & producer

Woody: What’s going on Mr. Peterson?

Norm: The question is, “What’s going in Mr. Peterson?” A beer please, Woody.

George Wendt (1948 – ) American actor

Clams… I simply cannot imagine why anyone would eat something slimy served in an ashtray.

Muppet character (Frank Oz)

I really must run. I’m due at my sexual addiction group, and I don’t like to leave them alone for too long.

(1959 – ) American actor

If I’m not back in five minutes… just wait longer.

(1962 – ) Canadian-American actor & comedian

Daddy, I have heat probation.

(1971 – ) American actress

I don’ t know if you’ ve read my book, “Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing.”

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

It’s been reported that in the event of an emergency situation with North Korea the U.S. is prepared to send 70% of the Marine Corps to the region; according to President Bush this will still allow us to send another 70% to Iran and keep our other 70% in Iraq.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer

Cleo Borden: Yeah, for a long time I was ashamed of the way I lived.
Young Fellow: You mean to say you reformed?
Cleo Borden: No, I got over being ashamed.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

One failed attempt at a shoe bomb and we all take off our shoes at the airport; thirty-one school shootings since Columbine and no change in our regulation of guns.

(1977 – ) British political comedian & television host

Arthur: Hobson, do you know the worst part, the worst part of being me?
Hobson: I should imagine your breath.

(1904 – 2000) English actor, director & producer

A drinking contest?!? What am I, 12… and at my boyfriend's frat party?!

(1968 – ) American actress & singer

According to Secret Service logs, convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff was at the White House only two times in the past fives years; of course, the real question is: was it the same two times that President Bush was there?

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer

Jack: We are lovers.

Liz: That word bums me out unless it’s between the words “meat” and “pizza”.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer

Incidentally, [Carla] I’ve taken your little wisecracks for a few years now, you hideous gargoyle, and if you ever open that gateway to hell you call a mouth in my direction again, I’ll snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint.

(1958 – ) American actress, musician & dancer

Gomez: He has my father's eyes.

Morticia: Gomez, take those out of his mouth.

(1951 – ) American actress & director

What in the Wide, Wide World of Sports’s is a-goin’ on here?! I hired you boys to lay a little track… not to dance around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots!

(1919 – 1983) American rodeo performer & actor

Sugar: I come from this musical family. My mother is a piano teacher and my father was a conductor.
Joe: Where did he conduct?
Sugar: On the Baltimore and Ohio.

(1926 – 1962) actress, sex symbol

George: Oh, sir, just one thing – if we should happen to tread on a mine, what do we do?

Blackadder: Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.

(1955 – ) English actor