Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
TV/Movie Quotes
(Page 51)
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Homer Simpson
cartoon character in
The Simpsons
(Dan Castellaneta)
TV/Movie Quotes
Jury duty
When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face; that's the price she has to pay.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Dating
Relationships
TV/Movie Quotes
As Otis B. Driftwood in “A Night at the Opera”
The dent in his car is hardly cold and he’s coming over here to claim his pound of
fish.
Archie Bunker
television character,
All In the Family
(Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops
TV/Movie Quotes
During an interview Condoleezza Rice describes her stance on abortion as ‘mildly pro-choice,’ which means she would support abortion, except in cases where the mother is pregnant.
Amy Poehler
(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
TV/Movie Quotes
Condoleezza Rice
From Weekend Update on “Saturday Night Live”
Ross: All right, I’ll tell you why you’re a bad driver. You’re fast and irresponsible.Rachel: Well, excuse me, but in high school that made me head cheerleader.
Jennifer Aniston
(1969 – ) American actress, film director & producer
TV/Movie Quotes
As Rachel in “Friends”
Driving
I'm like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket & flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?
Homer Simpson
cartoon character in
The Simpsons
(Dan Castellaneta)
Miscellaneous
Misspokements
TV/Movie Quotes
These dice are colder than my first wife.
Peter Falk
Peter Falk (1927 – 2011) American actor
TV/Movie Quotes
As Harry Sears in “All the Marbles”
Dice
I want to be cremated and have my ashes thrown on Robert Redford.
Betty White
1922) American actress, comedian & television personality
TV/Movie Quotes
As Sue Ann Nivens in “The Mary Tyer Moore Show”
Cremation
Robert Redford
Sergeant Hulka: Soldier, I’ve noticed that you’re always last.John Winger: I’m pacing myself, Sergeant.
Bill Murray
(1950 – ) American actor & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes
As John Winger in “Stripes”
Turkey can never beat cow.
Nick Offerman
(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter
Food/Drink
TV/Movie Quotes
As Ron Swanson in “Parks and Recreation”
Morticia: When we first met years ago, it was an evening much like this. Magic in the air. A boy.
Gomez: A girl.
Morticia: An open grave. It was my first funeral.
Gomez: You were so beautiful. Pale and mysterious. No one even looked at the corpse.
Raul Julia
(1940 – 1994) Puerto Rican actor
TV/Movie Quotes
As Gomez Addams in “The Addams Family”
I have an interesting case. I’m treating two sets of Siamese twins with split personalities. I’m getting paid by eight people.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes
As Leonard Zelig in “Zelig”
Psychiatry
Siamese twins
Ed, have you noticed that the older you get, the younger your girlfriends get? Soon you’ll be dating sperm.
Billy Crystal
(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Dating
Relationships
TV/Movie Quotes
As Mitch Robbins in “City Slickers”
Incidentally, [Carla] I’ve taken your little wisecracks for a few years now, you hideous gargoyle, and if you ever open that gateway to hell you call a mouth in my direction again, I’ll snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint.
Bebe Neuwirth
(1958 – ) American actress, musician & dancer
Insults
TV/Movie Quotes
As Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane in “Cheers”
Nora: You know, that sounds like an interesting case. Why don’t you take it?Nick: I haven’t the time. I’m much too busy seeing that you don’t lose any of the money I married you for.
William Powell
(1892 – 1984) American actor
TV/Movie Quotes
As Nick Charles in “The Thin Man”
Aah beer, the cause of – and solution to – all life’s problems.
Homer Simpson
cartoon character in
The Simpsons
(Dan Castellaneta)
Beer
TV/Movie Quotes
Elizabeth Swann: There will come a time when you have a chance to do the right thing.
Johnny Depp
(1963 – ) American actor & producer
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jack Sparrow in “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest”
Coach: Beer, Normie?
Norm: Coach: I don’t know. I’ll have one next week… what the heck, I’m young.
Norm
George Wendt (1948 – ) American actor
Beer
TV/Movie Quotes
As Norm Peterson in “Cheers”
I’ve got drinks piling up on my desk and a stack of pills I have even opened yet!
Megan Mullally
(1958 – ) American actress & singer
Alcohol
TV/Movie Quotes
As Karen Walker on “Will & Grace”
Eyes, fingers, toes: two, ten, eleven.
Raul Julia
(1940 – 1994) Puerto Rican actor
TV/Movie Quotes
As Gomez Addams in “The Addams Family”
Combination to the vault
Maybe I’d like to run around the house my drawers, and with her here, I felt
inhabited.
Archie Bunker
television character,
All In the Family
(Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops
TV/Movie Quotes
Inhibited
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