Occupations | Just-One-Liners.com

Subject: Work » Occupations (Page 6)

I used to be a mime…. but now I can talk about it…

Stewart Francis

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Growing up, all I wanted was a racecar bed, but by parents refused to get me one.. but now that I’m doing comedy, I get to sleep in a real car.

Zac Felts

American comedian

Occupations Work Comedian

Putting an ex-fighter in the business world is like putting silk stockings on a pig.

Jack Hurley

boxing manager, trainer & cornerman

Boxing Occupations Sports

A composer is a guy who goes around forcing his will on unsuspecting air molecules, often with the assistance of unsuspecting musicians.

Frank Zappa

(1940 – 1993) composer, guitarist, record producer & film director

Entertainment Music Occupations Work Composers

So the rule is, if you screw up just one too many job interviews, you become a stand-up comedian.

Ben Bailey

(1970 – ) American comedian & television game show host

Occupations Work Comedians Job interviews

Economist: A man who knows more about money than the people who have it.

Anonymous

Definitions Occupations People Economist

Faustino the Great: How long you study music?
Mr. Lyons: Fifteen years.
Faustino the Great: Fifteen? … You know, two more years, you could’ve been a plumber.

‘Chico’ Marx

(1887 – 1961) comedian, actor & member of the Marx Brothers

Occupations TV/Movie Quotes As Faustino the Great in “Love Happy” Plumbers

I’m a character actor, which is a polite way of saying ‘ugly.’

Jim Gaffigan

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

Appearance Occupations Ugly Work Character actors

We are paid to have dirty minds.

John Trevelyan

(1903 – 1986) American film censor

Entertainment Film Occupations Work

The Lord taught me to love everybody, but the last ones I learned to love were the sportswriters.

Alvin Dark

(1922 – ) American baseball player & manager

Baseball Occupations Sports Work Sportswriters

When I was a little boy, they called me a liar, but now that I am grown up, they call me a writer.

Isaac Singer

(1902 – 1991) Polish Jewish American author

Communication Lies Occupations Reading/Writing Work

Chiropodist: A man who makes money hand over foot.

Anonymous

Definitions Doctors Occupations Chiropodist

Realtor: A man with lots to sell.

Anonymous

Definitions Occupations Wordplay Realtor

Critics are to authors what dogs are to lamp-posts.

Jeffrey Robinson

(1945 – ) American author

Occupations Work Critics

It is easier to square the circle than to get round a mathematician.

Augustus de Morgan

(1806 – 1871) English mathematician

Occupations Science/Weather Work Mathematicians

I started my career in kindergarten playing a tube of toothpaste in a hygiene play.

Henry Winkler

(1945 – ) American actor, director, comedian, producer & author

Acting Entertainment Occupations Work

Acting is pretending, and the most difficult part is pretending you’re eating regularly.

Anonymous

Acting Eating Entertainment Food/Drink Occupations

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man… Knock knock… “Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?”

Mitch Hedberg

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Occupations Work

Critic: One quick-on-the-flaw.

Anonymous

Definitions Occupations Critic

The only thing more dangerous than an amateur economist is a professional economist.

Berta's Fundamental Law of Economic Rents

Murphy’s Laws Occupations Work Economists

Truck Driver: A man who has the opportunity to run into so many nice people.

Anonymous

Definitions Occupations Truck Driver

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Subject: Work » Occupations (Page 6)

I used to be a mime…. but now I can talk about it…

Growing up, all I wanted was a racecar bed, but by parents refused to get me one.. but now that I’m doing comedy, I get to sleep in a real car.

Putting an ex-fighter in the business world is like putting silk stockings on a pig.

A composer is a guy who goes around forcing his will on unsuspecting air molecules, often with the assistance of unsuspecting musicians.

So the rule is, if you screw up just one too many job interviews, you become a stand-up comedian.

Economist: A man who knows more about money than the people who have it.

Faustino the Great: How long you study music?
Mr. Lyons: Fifteen years.
Faustino the Great: Fifteen? … You know, two more years, you could’ve been a plumber.

I’m a character actor, which is a polite way of saying ‘ugly.’

We are paid to have dirty minds.

The Lord taught me to love everybody, but the last ones I learned to love were the sportswriters.

When I was a little boy, they called me a liar, but now that I am grown up, they call me a writer.

Chiropodist: A man who makes money hand over foot.

Realtor: A man with lots to sell.

Critics are to authors what dogs are to lamp-posts.

It is easier to square the circle than to get round a mathematician.

I started my career in kindergarten playing a tube of toothpaste in a hygiene play.

Acting is pretending, and the most difficult part is pretending you’re eating regularly.

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man… Knock knock… “Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?”

Critic: One quick-on-the-flaw.

The only thing more dangerous than an amateur economist is a professional economist.

Truck Driver: A man who has the opportunity to run into so many nice people.