Subject: Work (Page 19)

Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.

Success Work

I am not the editor of a newspaper and shall always try to do right and be good so that God will not make me one.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Communication Occupations Work

I live in a two-income household… but who knows how long my mom can keep that up.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Family Money Mothers Travel Work

Next to the writer of real estate advertisements, the autobiographer is the most suspect of prose artists.

(1921 – 2012) American music critic & journalist
Books Communication Occupations Work

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man… Knock knock… “Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Occupations Work

Acting is merely the art of keeping a large number of people from coughing.

(1902 – 1983) English actor
Acting Entertainment Occupations

I'll never forget the time they gave me a farewell party at work. I was so surprised – I didn't even know I was fired.

comedian
Work

Incompetence tends to increase with the level of work performed. And naturally the individual’s staff needs will increase as his level of incompetence increases.

Murphy’s Laws Work

To protect your position, fire the fastest rising employees first.

Murphy’s Laws People Situations Work

Doorman: A genius who can open the door of your car with one hand, help you in with the other, and still have one left for the tip.

Definitions Occupations

Ninety-nine per cent of the work of the professional bodyguard consisted of one activity: frowning.

(1949 – ) English novelist
Occupations Work

I really like what mechanics wear… overall.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Clothing Work

Actuary: Someone who cannot stand the excitement of chartered accountancy.

Occupations Work

The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about 0.6.

Murphy’s Laws Time Work

People are always available for work in the past tense.

Murphy’s Laws People Work

I'll do anything to keep from working for a living; if I've gotta fight a circus bear, then let's get the drawers on him and get it on!

(1950 – ) American boxer & actor
Boxing Occupations Sports Work

An editor is someone who separates the wheat from the chaff and then prints the chaff.

(1900 – 1965) diplomat & Democratic politician
Communication Definitions Occupations

The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Housework Work

A plumber is an adventurer who traces leaky pipes to their source.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
Work

I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Occupations Wordplay Work

A guy gave me a job at an information booth – no questions asked.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Occupations Work