Subject: Work (Page 20)

The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? … plutonium hat model.

(1974 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & television host
Occupations Work

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Government Occupations Taxes

You know I'm the only Iraqi comedian… yeah true… at least that makes us three more than Germany.

(1965 – ) British-Iranian comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Occupations People Places Work

The Lord taught me to love everybody, but the last ones I learned to love were the sportswriters.

(1922 – ) American baseball player & manager
Baseball Occupations Sports Work

Bus Driver: A person who tells people where to get off.

Activities Definitions Driving Occupations

For [my husband], getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Situations Sleep Work

My girlfriend likes to play doctor; so I always make her wait 90 minutes before I see her.

(1952 – ) American comedian & actor
Occupations Sex

A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Doctors Health Occupations

Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Intelligence Murphy’s Laws Work

I now know I’m psychic, because every time I go see a fortune teller, I know everything she says will be absolute bullshit ahead of time.

Miscellaneous Occupations

If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.

Murphy’s Laws People Problems Work

Taxpayer: One who doesn’t have to pass a civil service exam to work for the government.

Definitions Government Taxes Work

It seems that nothing ever gets to going good till there's a few resignations.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Work

Good Old Days: A block of time which ended a week before you were hired.

Definitions Past Time Work

You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Housework Work

Automation has opened up a whole new field of unemployment.

Situations Work

Waiter: A guy who believes money grows on a tray.

Definitions Occupations Work

A censor has the peculiar faculty of banning just what we want to hear, see,

Occupations Work

To estimate the time it takes to do a task, estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by two, and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. (Example: allocate two days for a one-hour task)

Murphy’s Laws Time Work

‘Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.’ ‘Was it something I said?’ asks the son. ‘Yes.’

(Daniel Barker) British comedian, voice-artist & actor
Communication Occupations Speech Work

A toastmaster is a man who eats a meal he doesn’t want so he can get up and tell a lot of stories he doesn’t remember to people who’ve already heard them.

(1898 – 1981) actor, singer, songwriter & movie producer
Communication Occupations People Work