Subject: Work (Page 24)

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Work

Sailors ought never to go to church; they ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

(1866 – 1946) English author
Occupations Work

Management: A class of semi-skilled corporate hirelings whose rise within the organization correlates directly with the amount of work they delegate to their more-talented underlings.

Definitions Work

Everyone should have to wait tables for one year of their lives, so they realize their ranch dressing isn’t that fucking important.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Life Occupations People Work

People are always available for work in the past tense.

Murphy’s Laws People Work

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

(1847 – 1931) American inventor, scientist & businessman
Work

Last week the candle factory burned down… everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things Work

Should not the Society of Indexers be known as Indexers Society of, The?

(1929 – 2009) British novelist, newspaper columnist & television writer
Occupations Wordplay Work

Ninety-nine per cent of the work of the professional bodyguard consisted of one activity: frowning.

(1949 – ) English novelist
Occupations Work

Undertaker: The last guy to let you down.

Definitions Occupations Work

Executive: A man who talks to visitors so the other employees can get their work done.

Definitions Occupations Work

I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer… so dad, if you’re up there…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers Occupations Work

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Murphy’s Laws Work

A neurotic is a person who builds a castle in the air; a psychotic is the person who lives in it; a psychiatrist is the one who collects the rent.

(1915 – 2004) American playwright & author
Occupations People Work

I think that’s what they call professional courtesy.

(1897 – 1953) American writer & producer
Occupations

The golden rule of work is that the bosses jokes are always funny.

Work

Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one’s living at it.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
Money Science/Weather Work

I went on a job interview and the lady asked me if I’d pass a drug test; I said, “Yeah, if it’s written.”

American comedian
Drugs Work

It is easier to square the circle than to get round a mathematician.

(1806 – 1871) English mathematician
Occupations Science/Weather Work

I used to work for a living, then I became an actor.

(1927 – ) English actor
Acting Entertainment Occupations Work

Retirement: The time of life when you stop lying about your age and start lying about the house.

Definitions Time Work