Subject: Work (Page 24)

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.

(1874 – 1963) American poet
Death Work

If a job’s worth doing, make sure you delegate it to the right person.

Work

Job: A place where you work just hard enough to avoid getting fired while getting paid just enough to avoid quitting.

Definitions Work

I think housework is far more tiring and frightening than hunting is… and yet after hunting we had eggs for tea and were made to rest for hours, but after housework people expect one to go on just as if nothing special had happened.

(1904 – 1973) English novelist & biographer
Housework Work

People become progressively less competent for jobs they once were well equipped to handle.

Murphy’s Laws People Work

A critic is a bunch of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.

(1926 – 2007) American jazz critic & book reviewer
Communication Death Occupations Work

Housekeeping ain't no joke.

(1832 – 1888) novelist
Housework Work

Retirement: The time of life when you stop lying about your age and start lying about the house.

Definitions Time Work

People were laughing at me anyway, so I thought “F**k it, I might as well start charging them.”

(1975 – ) English comedian
Occupations Work

If you do a job twice, it’s yours.

Murphy’s Laws Work

Statistician: Someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

Definitions Occupations Work

Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job – it's the start of a brand new series of three.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Work

Being a reporter is as much a diagnosis as a job description.

(1953 – ) American author, journalist & opinion columnist
Occupations Work

Clergyman: A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones.

Definitions Occupations

Executive: An under-worked, over-paid person who is in over their head.

Definitions Occupations

Last week the candle factory burned down… everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things Work

When I was younger, my mother told me, "Mitch, some day you're going to have to move out of the house and get a job" … well, today is the day, that's why I'm here with you people.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Work

A censor has the peculiar faculty of banning just what we want to hear, see,

Occupations Work

A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Doctors Health Occupations

One thing about being a cabbie is that you don’t have to worry about being fired from a good job.

(1935 – ) American actor
Occupations TV/Movie Quotes Work

Everyone should have to wait tables for one year of their lives, so they realize their ranch dressing isn’t that fucking important.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Life Occupations People Work