Author: Anonymous

“My fellow Americans,” boomed Ronald Reagan, “I have just signed legislation to outlaw the state of Russia for ever…”

Tom Swifties

Drug: A substance that, when injected into a guinea pig, produces a scientific paper.

Activities Definitions Drugs Science/Weather

Gifted Children: Unfortunate tykes who lack the good sense to hide their talents from overly ambitious parents.

Definitions Family

Chivalry: The attitude of a man toward somebody else’s wife.

Definitions

Critic: One quick-on-the-flaw.

Definitions Occupations

Christmas: A warm, cheery two-month festival that celebrates the joy of retail merchandise.

Definitions

Racehorse: A fast means of redistributing wealth.

Activities Definitions

If he were alive today, he’d be turning over in his grave.

Mixed metaphors

“England is okay, except there seems to be at least one blood-sucking insect in every outhouse”, said Tom aloofly.

Tom Swifties

“This mental ward is busy,” said Tom crazily.

Tom Swifties

Now the shoe is on the other horse!

Mixed metaphors

Everyone has the right to be stupid but you’re abusing the priviledge.

Insults Intelligence

“The executioner has received the tool he needs”, said Tom with a heavy accent.

Tom Swifties

Funeral: A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.

Death Definitions

Don't put all your chickens in one basket.

Mixed metaphors

“I’ve joined the navy,” Tom said fleetingly.

Tom Swifties

“I’ve grown fat on the contents of charity packages,” said Tom carefully.

Miscellaneous

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Situations

White Supremacists: The most convincing argument against the theory of white racial superiority.

Beliefs Definitions Intelligence People

“I am not full of hot air,” Tom belched.

Tom Swifties

Hallucination: A belief owned exclusively by one person.

Definitions