Author: Anonymous Page 100

Executive: A person who can take two hours for lunch without anybody missing him.

Definitions Occupations

Window Shopping: Eye browsing.

Activities Definitions Shopping

“By convention!” cussed Tom airily.

Tom Swifties

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Definitions

My husband was chosen as a wheelbarrow for his friend's funeral.

Malaprops

He is confused as a baby raccoon!

Expressions

Conference: An organized way of postponing a decision.

Definitions

She is so short… you can see her feet on her driver's license picture.

Appearance Body Exaggerations

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage

Husband: One who stands by you in troubles you wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t married him.

Definitions Marriage

“One of the ten finalists in the ‘London derriere’ contest had to drop out”, said Tom asininely.

Tom Swifties

Youth: A good substitute for experience.

Age Definitions Young

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Autos Science/Weather Situations Things

Women: Can't live with 'em – can't live with 'em.

People Women

Golf: A long walk broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.

Definitions Golf Sports

Small Town: A place where everybody knows the troubles you’ve seen.

Definitions Places

You have to dance to a different drum.

Mixed metaphors

“I’m your mother’s brother’s father-in-law’s son,” Tom related.

Tom Swifties

The coffee has burned my face! I'm going to be distorted!

Appearance Malaprops

That room was so small you couldn’t cuss a cat without gettting fur in your mouth!

Expressions

“This game is foul,” Tom groused.

Tom Swifties