Author: Anonymous Page 103

Jim Rosenthal to an American goalie: So what’s an American doing playing in goal for Millwall.

The goalie’s reply: I’m trying to keep the ball out.

Colemanballs

“This steamroller is amazing,” said Tom flatteringly.

Tom Swifties

Tissue: Your daily nosepaper.

Definitions Wordplay

Recycling of animal protein in feed proved a recipe for disaster.

Mixed metaphors

Argument: A discussion where two people try to get the last word in first

Definitions

Contraceptives: What Protestants use on all conceivable occasions.

Definitions

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

Conflict Marriage War

The squeaky wheel wins.

Mixed metaphors

“Here’s another baseball glove”, Tom admitted.

Tom Swifties

Sinker: Lead weight attached to the end of a length of fishing line to facilitate the speedy disposal of unwanted lures.

Activities Definitions Things

Bride: A gal who puts her foot down as soon as her new husband has carried her over the threshold.

Definitions Marriage Wives

Prostitute: A busy body.

Definitions

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so you can die rich.

Definitions Money

Applause before a speaker begins his talk is an act of faith; applause during the speech is an act of hope; applause after he has concluded is an act of charity.

Communication Speech

Nothing makes a fish bigger than almost being caught.

Activities Honesty Lies

Kill two cats with one bag.

Mixed metaphors

Dandruff: Chips off the old block.

Definitions

I've been up and down like a light switch.

Mixed metaphors

It's clear to see who makes the pants here.

Malaprops Marriage

Right now, I couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a fistful of pardons.

Sex Situations

Debts: The certain outcome of an uncertain income.

Definitions Money