Author: Anonymous Page 105

A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be.

Family Money Relationships

“I couldn’t believe there were 527,986 bees in the swarm!” Tom recounted.

Tom Swifties

Don't bite the hand that lays the golden egg.

Mixed metaphors

You must have ears like an eagle.

Mixed metaphors

Fat: Energy gone to waist.

Appearance Body Definitions Fat

He is so ugly… when he walks into the bank they turn off the cameras.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

“Melinda broke my heart,” Tom said half-heartedly.

Tom Swifties

I can read him like the back of my book.

Mixed metaphors

“Unlike you, I’ve always been a dog person,” he barked.

Tom Swifties

Gardener: Someone who thinks that what goes down must come up.

Definitions

Home: A place where man goes to raise a fuss because something went wrong at the office.

Definitions Places

The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.

Computers Failure Murphy’s Laws Things

“It’s my personal magnetism,” said Tom ironically.

Tom Swifties

Automation has opened up a whole new field of unemployment.

Situations Work

That’s a kettle of fish of a different color.

Mixed metaphors

They gave him a raw shake.

Mixed metaphors

Kill two cats with one bag.

Mixed metaphors

When it comes to giving—some people stop at nothing.

Characteristics Money People

Artificial Insemination: Impregnation without representation and procreation without recreation.

Definitions

Efficiency Expert: A man smart enough to tell you how to run your business and too smart to start his own.

Definitions

CPR: An emergency exercise that helps concerned onlookers feel useful while the victim expires.

Definitions Health