Author: Anonymous Page 106

Funeral: A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.

Death Definitions

Man blames most accidents on fate – but feels a more personal responsibility when he makes a hole-in-one on the golf course.

Golf Sports

He was lookin' at me like a country mule lookin at a freight train.

Expressions

Falsies: A hope chest.

Body Clothing Definitions

Senility: The pleasantly rueful experience of forgetting what we’ve forgotten.

Age Definitions Intelligence Memory Old

As proud as pea soup.

Mixed metaphors

I could hear footprints.

Malaprops

If you teach a snake to fish, you can lead it to water but it won't drink..

Mixed metaphors

“This salad dressing has too much vinegar,” said Tom acidly.

Tom Swifties

Diplomat: A person who can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue.

Definitions

When I ask what time it is – I don't need to know how the watch is built.

Communication Expressions Speech

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you are in the bathroom.

Places Situations World

“Hurry up and get to the back of the ship!” Tom said sternly.

Tom Swifties

She is so old… she used to baby-sit Jesus.

Age Exaggerations Old

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Beliefs Intelligence Proverbs Understanding

I just asked you what time it was, not how a watch works.

Communication Expressions

Hold the Farm!

Mixed metaphors

It's like pulling hen's teeth.

Mixed metaphors

The words “don't" and “isn’t” are contraptions.

Communication Language Malaprops

“The phone reception here is excellent,” he said clearly.

Tom Swifties

“I insist on naming the first male insect”, said Tom adamantly.

Tom Swifties