Author: Anonymous Page 111

“Parsley, sage, rosemary,” said Tom timelessly.

Tom Swifties

He is so fat… his high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Consultant: Someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can’t get a date.

Definitions

Hindsight: What one experiences from changing too many diapers.

Definitions

“Ignore the first three turnings,” directed Tom forthrightly.

Tom Swifties

If someone told him to haul ass he'd have to make six trips.

Appearance Body Expressions Fat

Shyster: The other fellow’s lawyer.

Definitions Lawyers

Martial Arts: A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs – amusing to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one’s opponent is armed with a semi-automatic.

Definitions

When you feel that you would like to go back to your youth, think of algebra.

Age Old Young

Class Reunion: A gathering where you come to the conclusion that most of the people your own age are a lot older than you are.

Age Definitions

She’s so ugly she makes onions cry.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

“Eating uranium makes me feel funny,” said Tom radiantly.

Tom Swifties

He’s wearing a tomahawk haircut.

Malaprops

Char: Common method of cooking over a campfire.

Cooking Definitions

Noise: Earitation.

Definitions

G String: Gownless evening strap.

Clothing Definitions

“This game is foul,” Tom groused.

Tom Swifties

Bore: A person who takes his time taking your time.

Definitions

She’s not the toughest cookie on the block.

Mixed metaphors

“I’ve thought of another exception,” Tom rebutted.

Tom Swifties

Accident: A thing that is caused by people, but often causes people.

Accidents Definitions Problems