Author: Anonymous Page 114

It's a long road to hoe

Malaprops

Jeans: Lower half of the international uniform of youth.

Appearance Clothing Definitions

Cold: An ailment cured in two weeks with a doctor’s care, and in fourteen days without it.

Definitions Doctors Health

Ambassador: An honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his country.

Definitions

Jim Rosenthal to an American goalie: So what’s an American doing playing in goal for Millwall.

The goalie’s reply: I’m trying to keep the ball out.

Colemanballs

An economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower: they don’t win many accuracy contests, but they keep the crowd’s attention.

People

Father’s Day: The annual day in June set aside so merchants can get rid of their leftover Christmas ties and shaving lotion.

Definitions Time

Skeptic: One who won’t take know for an answer.

Definitions People

We need to sit down and walk through some things.

Mixed metaphors

Archaeology is the science that proves you can’t keep a good man down.

Science/Weather Wordplay

Cloud: What’s in front of every silver lining.

Definitions

“Who left the toilet seat down?” Tom asked peevishly.

Tom Swifties

“I’ve removed all the feathers from this chicken,” said Tom pluckily.

Tom Swifties

He's between a rock and the deep blue sea.

Mixed metaphors

Chivalry: A man’s inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.

Definitions

As useless as a pocket on a cow

Expressions

He’s like a duck out of water.

Mixed metaphors

It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

Beliefs People Religion Sex

Teenagers: Those old enough to know everything.

Age Definitions

Isn't it nice to not have to look over our backs anymore?

Mixed metaphors

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Situations