Author: Anonymous Page 115

Due process of elimination

Mixed metaphors

They’re diabolically opposed.

Malaprops

We need to have photographic ears.

Mixed metaphors

Let’s get down to brass tax.

Malaprops Situations

Button your seat belts.

Mixed metaphors

Banging on their chests with a primeval scream.

Malaprops

Vasectomy: Never having to say you’re sorry.

Definitions

Imagination: What puts men in asylums unless they are crazy enough to put it down on paper or canvas.

Definitions

An allowance is what you pay your children to live with you.

Children Definitions Family

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs; I think of them as stray eyebrows.

Appearance

Acute Alcoholic: An attractive drunk.

Alcohol Definitions

“It’s made the grass wet,” said Tom after due consideration.

Tom Swifties

“Some day, people will be able to file lawsuits against computers,” said Tom soothingly.

Tom Swifties

Every silver lining has a cloud around it.

Mixed metaphors

Igloo: An icicle built for two.

Definitions

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Definitions

Lawyer: A fellow who is willing to go out and spend your last cent to prove he’s right.

Definitions Lawyers

Only in America can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box whilst a draft dodger lives in the White House.

America Places Situations

I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.

Children Family

Diet: The penalty for exceeding the feed limit.

Definitions Food/Drink

Bimbo: Any woman to whom you pay a compliment, while in the company of your wife.

Definitions Women