Author: Anonymous Page 117

He’s so mean, he’d bite himself.

Characteristics Expressions

Artificial Insemination: Impregnation without representation and procreation without recreation.

Definitions

Auction: A place where, if you aren’t careful, you’ll get something for nodding.

Definitions

He wuz smilin' like a rat eatin onions.

Miscellaneous

She wears her heart up her sleeve.

Mixed metaphors

“England is okay, except there seems to be at least one blood-sucking insect in every outhouse”, said Tom aloofly.

Tom Swifties

Democracy is mob rule, but with income taxes.

Democracy Government Taxes

Experience: What you get from being inexperienced.

Definitions

He is so dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.

Exaggerations Intelligence Stupidity

Conscience: A device that doesn’t keep you from doing anything – just keeps you from enjoying it.

Definitions

“I got in through the window after opening it with a crowbar,” said Tom enterprisingly.

Tom Swifties

“Consult an investment broker,” was Tom’s stock answer.

Tom Swifties

Vuja de: The feeling you've never been here.

Definitions

Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the least principle draw the most interest.

Girls People Wordplay

Sewing Circle: Where friendship hangs by a thread.

Definitions Friends Wordplay

“This is the wrong tree,” Tom barked, as he climbed up.

Tom Swifties

Car Pool: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

Autos Definitions Things

Debt: A trap which a man sets and baits himself, and then deliberately gets into.

Definitions Money

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

Problems Situations

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Food/Drink

Accountant: One who uses your books to figure his profit.

Definitions Occupations