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Wisdom: Knowing when to speak your mind and when to mind your speech.

Definitions Intelligence Wisdom

She is so ugly… when she goes swimming the tide goes out.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

Kiss: What the child gets free, the young man steals, and the old man buys.

Definitions

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Characteristics Intelligence Situations Understanding

Both of my children had the chicken pops when they were young.

Health Malaprops

Thingy: Female Interpretation: Any part under a car’s hood; Male Interpretation: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

Definitions Men Things Women

Committee: A group which succeeds in getting something done only when it consists of three members, one of whom happens to be sick and the other absent.

Definitions

“This fabric is not good enough to make a bolero,” said Tom unravellingly.

Tom Swifties

Consumer: One who delights advertisers by acquiring unnecessary products.

Definitions Shopping

He is confused as a baby raccoon!

Expressions

Let sleeping ducks lie.

Animals Dogs Malaprops

Only a stupid golfer throws his club behind him; the smart golfer throws his club ahead so he can pick it up on the way to the next hole.

Golf Sports

Vacuum Cleaner: A sonic broom.

Definitions Things

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Emotions Fear Happiness

Troops: Expendable bodies sent by the government to stop bullets during obscure foreign uprisings.

Definitions Military

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Fools Intelligence

You could just charm the dew off of a honey suckle.

Expressions

Alarm Clock: That which scares the daylight out of you.

Definitions Wordplay

Politician: A fellow who borrows your pot in which to cook your goose.

Definitions Government Politicians

90% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Government Law Lawyers

America: A land where a citizen will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, and won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.

America Definitions Places