Author: Anonymous Page 120

He is so stupid… it takes him an hour to cook Minute Rice.

Exaggerations Intelligence Stupidity

“I’m the butcher’s assistant,” said Tom cuttingly.

Tom Swifties

Clergyman: A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones.

Definitions Occupations

Ambulance: A vehicle used to show lawyers where the accident is.

Definitions

An apple a day doesn’t from the tree.

Mixed metaphors

Acquaintance: A degree of friendship called ‘slight’ when its object is poor and ‘intimate’ when he is rich or famous.

Definitions People

She is so fat… she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

We'll be there until the fat lady freezes over.

Mixed metaphors

Time: The arbitrary division of eternity.

Definitions Time

I thought she had persisted from corresponding with him.

Malaprops

A fool and his money is a friend indeed.

Fools Friends Intelligence Money People

Some people sail through life on a bed of roses like a knife slicing through butter.

Mixed metaphors

The difference between bagpipes and an onion is that nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Situations

Teacher: A person who swore she would starve before teaching, and who has been doing both ever since.

Definitions Education

Just keep your eye on the pie.

Malaprops

Pregnancy: The shape of things to come.

Definitions

Bigotry is being certain of something you know nothing about.

Beliefs

We drove around and looked at some apartments, and then we looked at some condoms.

Malaprops

Woman: A person who needs a shoe larger on the inside than outside.

Definitions People

A sound mind and a sound body go hand in hand.

Mixed metaphors

Apparently: As either mother or father would do it.

Definitions