Author: Anonymous Page 123

Litigant: A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.

Definitions Law

If you put his brain in a gnat's butt, it would fly backwards.

Miscellaneous

Handkerchief: Cold Storage.

Definitions Health

“I’d better repeat that SOS message,” said Tom remorsefully.

Tom Swifties

Can't find his ass with two hands and a flashlight

Expressions Intelligence Stupidity

Couldn’t find his rear with his hands in his back pockets

Expressions Fools Intelligence Stupidity

I’d have to get better just to die.

Expressions Health

The wages of sin are unreported.

Government Taxes

Disrespect: Giving someone half of the peace sign without suggesting they’re number one.

Definitions

Auctioneer: The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.

Definitions Occupations

Take a flying hike.

Mixed metaphors

Like having a large wardrobe fall on top of you with the key still in the lock.

Sex

He's the pineapple of politeness.

Malaprops

Troops: Expendable bodies sent by the government to stop bullets during obscure foreign uprisings.

Definitions Military

“I cut off the bottoms of my Levis so they won’t drag on the ground,” said Tom hygienically.

Tom Swifties

There was a young man from Peru

Whose limericks stopped at line two.

Communication Wordplay

She's tall enough to go duck huntin' with a rake.

Appearance Body Expressions

Old Age: When you wink at a girl and she says, “Something wrong with your eyes?”

Age Definitions

Adolescence is the time in life when a youngster is well informed about anything he doesn’t have to study.

Age Education

Faster than a dog's tail in a meat market.

Expressions Time

“I was absolutely vitrified,” said Tom with a glazed look.

Tom Swifties