Author: Anonymous Page 123

You could have blown me over with a feather.

Misspokements

“Fire!” yelled Tom alarmingly.

Tom Swifties

“Will you quit rustling around in my closet!” said Leif.

Tom Swifties

Neurotic: Someone who worries about things that didn’t happen in the past instead of worrying about things that won’t happen in the future.

Definitions People

These felled trees are the beavers’ handiwork!

Mixed metaphors

Beauty parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.

Definitions

Let’s start at square zero.

Mixed metaphors

Dollar: The jack of all trades.

Definitions

Doorman: A genius who can open the door of your car with one hand, help you in with the other, and still have one left for the tip.

Definitions Occupations

Abash: A high school graduation party.

Definitions

Cigarette: A bit of tobacco with a fire at one end and a fool at the other.

Definitions

Long road to hoe

Malaprops

“I hate math,” Tom added.

Tom Swifties

Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Miscellaneous

Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that hey cannot separately plunder a third.

Definitions Politics

Professor: A person whose job is to tell students how to solve the problems of life he avoided by becoming a professor.

Definitions Education

Bore: One who insists upon talking about himself when you want to talk about yourself.

Definitions Self

Congress: A strange forum where people get up and speak, nobody listens, and then everyone disagrees at the top of their lungs.

Congress Definitions Government

Karaoke: Japanese for “Drunk with Microphone.”

Definitions Entertainment

Tailor: An occupation that suits everyone.

Definitions Occupations Work

Flatterer: one who says things to your face that he wouldn’t say behind your back.

Characteristics Communication People Speech