Author: Anonymous Page 124

Take it with a grain assault.

Malaprops

“I really don’t like tending the garden,” he said witheringly.

Tom Swifties

The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.

Beliefs Children Family Intelligence Opinion

“But a totalitarian government could remove all trace of my ever having existed!” said Tom unpersonably.

Tom Swifties

Life: A continuous series of disasters which result in one’s death.

Death Definitions Life

Experience: Something you don’t get until just after you needed it.

Definitions

Don't bite the hand that lays the golden egg.

Mixed metaphors

Optimist: Someone who tells you to cheer up when things are going his way.

Definitions

She’s not the toughest cookie on the block.

Mixed metaphors

Glutton: A person who takes the piece of French pastry you wanted.

Definitions Eating Food/Drink People

Conference: A meeting at which people talk about what they should already be doing.

Definitions

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Appearance Body Fat

Vacation: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

Definitions

I'm tired of walking on kid gloves.

Mixed metaphors

Bureaucracy is based on a willingness to either pass the buck or spend it.

Government

A stitch in time is worth a pound of cure.

Mixed metaphors

“I can’t be bothered,” said Tom carelessly.

Tom Swifties

Diet: The penalty for exceeding the feed limit.

Definitions Food/Drink

That's the whole kettle of fish in a nutshell.

Mixed metaphors

Sarcasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn’t get it.

Communication Definitions

“This is mutiny!” said Tom bountifully.

Tom Swifties