Author: Anonymous Page 127

Yankee: The same as a quickie, but you can do it by yourself.

Definitions

Bachelor: A man who can get out of bed from either side.

Definitions Marriage Men People

A man's home is his castle – let him clean it.

Mixed metaphors

Among the propensities of humans which almost exceed understanding come the parsimony of the rich and the extravagance of the poor.

Money Poverty Wealth

The difference between bagpipes and an onion is that nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Situations

Sanitation Worker: The title conferred on garbage men when they  started earning more than public school teachers.

Definitions Occupations

“Have some shampoo,” was Tom’s unconditional offer.

Tom Swifties

Looks like he’s been sortin’ wildcats.

Appearance Expressions

Committee: A group which succeeds in getting something done only when it consists of three members, one of whom happens to be sick and the other absent.

Definitions

Taxes: A funding method which allows people to test their powers of deduction.

Definitions Taxes

Avoidance: A dance for people who hate each other.

Definitions

Auction: A place where, if you aren’t careful, you’ll get something for nodding.

Definitions

Diplomat: A person who thinks twice before saying nothing.

Definitions

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.

Education Insults

Limit: Maximum number of a particular fish that an angler can take in a day. This number varies from place to place and species to species, but it is a largely theoretical restriction with little practical application.

Activities Definitions

Diet: What helps a person gain weight more slowly.

Definitions Food/Drink

Congress: A place where there are too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen – and not enough U.S. Congressmen.

Congress Definitions Government

I’m gonna dig in my feet on this one.

Mixed metaphors

He is so fat… when his beeper goes off, people think he's backing up.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Sales Resistance: The triumph of mind over patter.

Definitions

Fanatic: One who, having lost sight of his goal, redoubles his efforts.

Definitions People