Author: Anonymous Page 129

Let's clear up a loose end.

Mixed metaphors

“By convention!” cussed Tom airily.

Tom Swifties

Expert: A man who is seldom in doubt, but often in error.

Definitions

She is so ugly… when she gets up, the sun goes down.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

Censorship: The power of the suppress.

Communication Wordplay

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Fools Intelligence

America: A nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but can think of nothing to do when it gets there.

America Definitions Places

I got a run in my neon stockings.

Clothing Malaprops

Adolescence: The age between puberty and adultery.

Age Definitions Sex

Secret: Information you tell to one person at a time.

Definitions

Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids.

Children Family Sex Wordplay

Footnote: Useless information placed where you can skip it.

Definitions

“I really don’t like tending the garden,” he said witheringly.

Tom Swifties

Parenthood: Feeding the mouth that bites you.

Definitions Family Parents Wordplay

He couldn’t find his ass with a flashlight and a roadmap.

Expressions Intelligence Stupidity

I thought she had persisted from corresponding with him.

Malaprops

Forger: The man who gives a check a bad name.

Definitions

Automatic: If something is automatic, that simple means that you can’t repair it yourself.

Definitions Murphy’s Laws Problems

Once you open a can of worms, they always come home to roost.

Mixed metaphors

Optometrist: A person you have to see.

Definitions Doctors

Umbrella: A shelter for one and a shower for two.

Definitions Things