Author: Anonymous Page 132

He’s like a duck out of water.

Mixed metaphors

“Consult an investment broker,” was Tom’s stock answer.

Tom Swifties

He is so ugly… the psychiatrist makes him lie face down.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

Does a fat boy like cake.

Appearance Body Expressions Fat

Spinster: A lady in waiting.

Definitions People Women

Pocket Watch: A watch for people who don’t like having time on their hands.

Definitions Time

“I’m burning aromatic substances,” said Tom, incensed.

Tom Swifties

Neighbors: People who live near you, who are never around when you need to borrow power tools or jumper cables, but who are everywhere when you are having a heated argument with your spouse.

Definitions People

Nothing is so fallacious as facts, except figures.

Beliefs Facts

Fable: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

Definitions

Centenarian: A person who has lived to be one hundred years old. He never smoked or he smoked all his life. He used whiskey for eighty years or he never used it. He was a vegetarian or he wasn’t a vegetarian.

Age Definitions Old

Smile: To expose a portion of one’s skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward a fellow human.

Definitions

Courtship: When a fellow gets so wrapped up in a girl that it’s easy to tie the knot.

Definitions Relationships

“We must hurry,” said Tom Swiftly.

Tom Swifties

Toastmaster: A gentleman who introduces a gentleman who needs no introduction.

Definitions

“It’s twelve noon,” Tom chimed in.

Tom Swifties

“I’m trying to get some air circulating under the roof,” said Tom fanatically.

Tom Swifties

Abscond: To move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.

Crime Definitions

Around here, it's always feast or phantom.

Malaprops

Never let a gift horse in the house.

Malaprops

The guy literally flew down the stairs!

Malaprops