Author: Anonymous Page 132

Bookie: A pickpocket who lets you use your own hands.

Definitions

She is so fat… when she sits around the house, she sits around the house.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

You have to take the bad with the worse.

Mixed metaphors

I can syncronize with those homeless people.

Malaprops

Applause before a speaker begins his talk is an act of faith; applause during the speech is an act of hope; applause after he has concluded is an act of charity.

Communication Speech

You’ve buttered your bread, now lie in it.

Mixed metaphors

They are crumbling at the seams.

Mixed metaphors

Flashlight: A case for storing dead batteries.

Definitions Things

I invented a new word – “plagiarism.”

Communication Language Wordplay

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you; tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.

Beliefs Murphy’s Laws

Epigram: A half-truth so stated to irritate the person who believes the other half.

Definitions

She is so stupid… she stared at an orange juice carton for twenty minutes because the label said "concentrate."

Exaggerations Intelligence Stupidity

Wedding License: A certificate that gives a woman the legal right to drive a man.

Definitions Marriage

This snowball is coming down the mountain with a full head of steam.

Mixed metaphors

Tomorrow: What always comes but never arrives.

Definitions Future Time

Antiques: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich people.

Definitions

Luck: The thing that draws us for jury duty, but never for the lottery.

Definitions

“I’ve got to stop this motor,” Tom choked.

Tom Swifties

He's the pineapple of politeness.

Malaprops

Chatterbox: Another name for a telephone booth.

Definitions Things

Courtship: When a fellow and a girl are always trying to show how smart he is.

Definitions Relationships