Author: Anonymous Page 132

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy; one is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

Emotions Happiness Marriage Wives

He is so fat… his driver's license says, “picture continued on other side.”

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Post Operative: Letter carrier

Definitions

Courtship: When a fellow gets so wrapped up in a girl that it’s easy to tie the knot.

Definitions Relationships

Those people all corregated over there.

Malaprops

Tomorrow: What always comes but never arrives.

Definitions Future Time

“He’s a boring chap,” said Tom indulgently.

Tom Swifties

Originality: The art of concealing your source.

Definitions

“I can lend you the money,” Tom said with interest.

Tom Swifties

“The pool player from USC had to drop out because the proper equipment didn’t arrive on time,” Tom calculated.

Tom Swifties

Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?

Insults Intelligence

“The bank doesn’t want me as a customer,” said Tom unaccountably.

Tom Swifties

Experience: A form of knowledge acquired only two ways: by doing and being done.

Definitions

Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to people better than you are.

Definitions Family People

I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Communication Health Language Reading/Writing

“Where’s my pants?” asked Tom briefly.

Tom Swifties

“It’s just gold leaf”, said Tom guiltily.

Tom Swifties

Cuddling: An act of warmth and affection that a husband will inevitably interpret as foreplay.

Definitions

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Fools Intelligence

Stock Market: A popular game of chance in which moneyed speculators gamble with the nation’s economy, the object being to amass as much unearned income as possible before one’s fellow gamblers withdraw from the game and precipitate a nationwide depression.

Definitions Money

She raped him in a blanket.

Malaprops Situations