Author: Anonymous Page 136

“I clubbed a diamondback snake with a spade,” Tom said heartlessly.

Tom Swifties

Makeup: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush which ironically makes Mom look better while making her young daughter look “like a tramp.”

Appearance Definitions

Vasectomy: Never having to say you’re sorry.

Definitions

Cookie: A standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat.

Definitions Food/Drink

“I’m embarrassed,” Tom admitted readily.

Tom Swifties

Let’s get down to brass tax.

Malaprops Situations

Caramel: A substance for extracting children’s teeth.

Definitions Food/Drink

Experience: Something you don’t get until just after you needed it.

Definitions

When sleeping dogs fly.

Mixed metaphors

Apartment: A place where the landlord and the tenant are both trying to raise the rent.

Definitions

She’s so ugly… when she entered an ugly contest the judges said, "No professionals."

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

Durable Goods: Those that last longer than the time payments.

Definitions Things

Weed: A plant whose virtues have not been discovered.

Definitions

“The prisoners set up a company,” the warden confirmed.

Tom Swifties

Taste: (female Interpretation): Something you do frequently to whatever you’re cooking, to make sure it’s good;   (male Interpretation): Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

Definitions Men People Women

If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Intelligence Stupidity

Statesman: A politician away from home.

Definitions Politicians

Farm: What a city man dreams of at 5 p.m…. never at 5 a.m.

Definitions

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Autos Science/Weather Situations Things

A horse divided against itself cannot stand.

Malaprops

Sympathizer: A fellow that’s for you as long as it doesn’t cost anything.

Definitions