Author: Anonymous Page 137

Acting is pretending, and the most difficult part is pretending you’re eating regularly.

Acting Eating Entertainment Food/Drink Occupations

If you can't fix it with duct tape you haven’t used enough.

Problems Situations

“This food tastes of plutonium,” said Tom glowingly.

Tom Swifties

“I lost my trousers,” said Tom expansively.

Tom Swifties

Reducing: Wishful shrinking.

Appearance Body Definitions Wordplay

Zipping one’s lips and throwing away the key

Mixed metaphors

You can’t have your hill and die on it too.

Mixed metaphors

Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.

Marriage

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars

Men People Women

“I’m concerned about the number of people not attending,” said Tom absentmindedly.

Tom Swifties

What a messy house. How can they live in such squander.

Malaprops

When I'm sick, I take Casper Oil.

Malaprops

Put the trash in the Hipsy-Hampster.

Malaprops Things

Chivalry: The attitude of a man toward somebody else’s wife.

Definitions

Genealogy: Chasing your own tale.

Definitions Family

Dog: An intelligent four-footed animal who walks around with an idiot on the end of his leash.

Animals Definitions Dogs

I dropped the toothpaste,” said Tom, crestfallen.

Tom Swifties

Dictator: A self-madman.

Definitions

Puritan: A person who pours righteous indignation into the wrong things.

Definitions

It's so flat you can look down the road and see the back of your head!

Expressions Places

Life: A sexually transmitted disease with 100% fatality rate.

Definitions Life