Author: Anonymous Page 138

Diaper: A bum wrap.

Definitions

B Flat: An apiary.

Definitions

“There’s nothing wrong with demons,” Tom said implicitly.

Tom Swifties

“Hey, you’re on my foot!” said Tom standoffishly.

Tom Swifties

They're in the trenches; they're on the horse and they're riding it.

Mixed metaphors

It is so hot… I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.

Exaggerations Heat Science/Weather

“So, it’s a duel you want!” Tom shot back.

Tom Swifties

Some people pay their bills when due, some when overdue, and some never do.

Money

“The vegetables are overcooked!” she steamed.

Tom Swifties

Vacation: A change of routine that makes you feel good enough to go back to work and poor enough to have to.

Definitions

Genealogist: One who traces your family history back as far as your money will go. 

Definitions Family

Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.

Definitions Health

We all act as one heartbeat.

Mixed metaphors

Marriage: A process of finding out what sort of guy your wife would have preferred.

Definitions Marriage

Fitness: Salvation through perspiration.

Definitions

School teachers are not fully appreciated by parents until it rains all day Saturday.

Education Occupations Work

Even if you gave him poison he wouldn't die until he'd recovered the deposit on the bottle.

Frugal Money

She has extra-century perception.

Malaprops

Nepotism: A form of favoritism – relatively speaking.

Definitions Family

“Why shouldn’t I stir my yoghurt with a ballpoint pen?” Tom bickered.

Tom Swifties

This is just a nightmare waiting to happen.

Mixed metaphors