Author: Anonymous Page 138

“I’m wearing my wedding ring,” said Tom with abandon.

Tom Swifties

Egotist: A conceited ass who thinks he knows as much as you do.

Definitions Intelligence People Self

“We have no oranges,” Tom said fruitlessly.

Tom Swifties

Neighbors: The only people who listen to both sides of an argument.

Definitions People

Middle Age: When your age starts to show around your middle the art of raising eyebrows instead of the roof. 

Age Definitions

I'm proud of my humility.

Characteristics

Detour: Something that lengthens your mileage, diminishes your gas, and strengthens your vocabulary.

Activities Definitions Travel

“Consult an investment broker,” was Tom’s stock answer.

Tom Swifties

“I admire East End gangsters,” said Tom crazily.

Tom Swifties

Many a man fails as an original thinker simply because his memory is too good.

Intelligence Memory Wisdom

Most anybody can be a cowboy, but it takes a damn genius to make money at it.

Money Occupations Work

“Can I become a chorister?” Tom inquired.

Tom Swifties

Twins: Infant replay.

Children Definitions Family

Business Forecaster: A person who is uncertain about the future and hazy about the present.

Definitions

What in the Sam Hill are you doing?

Miscellaneous

She is so fat… when she was a kid she could only play seek.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

What a dirty trap!

Mixed metaphors

Luxury Resort: One where a waiter expects a $2 tip when he presents a $6 bill for serving a $3.50 bottle of beer.

Definitions

Diplomat: A person who thinks twice before saying nothing.

Definitions

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Situations

“My cat George is my dearest friend,” Tabitha purred.

Tom Swifties