Author: Anonymous Page 139

He is so ugly… the psychiatrist makes him lie face down.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

The real estate agent can give you all the perpendiculars of this listing.

Malaprops

Love: A form of self-government under a two-party system.

Definitions Emotions Love

"Welcome to my tomb," said Tom cryptically.

Tom Swifties

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Insults Sex

Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher and untied by a lawyer.

Definitions Marriage

Damp weather is very hard on the sciences.

Malaprops

Harpist: A plucky musician.

Definitions Entertainment Music Wordplay

Worst case Ontario.

Malaprops

Marriage: The mourning after the knot before.

Definitions Marriage

“The prisoners set up a company,” the warden confirmed.

Tom Swifties

Take the ball by the horns and run with it.

Mixed metaphors

Surfing the Infobahn [information superhighway]

Mixed metaphors

My purses were selling like wild cakes.

Mixed metaphors

Parents: The one thing children wear out faster than shoes.

Definitions Family Parents

Father: A guy who is working his child’s way through college.

Definitions Family Fathers

Conscience: A device that doesn’t keep you from doing anything – just keeps you from enjoying it.

Definitions

“I’m halfway up a mountain,” Tom alleged.

Tom Swifties

Credit: A commodity that becomes better the less it is used.

Definitions

The record cover was a blank slate in 1939 at Columbia Records.

Mixed metaphors

Don’t eat with your mouth full!

Mixed metaphors