Author: Anonymous Page 14

Phillips Screwdriver: Used  to round off Phillips screw heads.

Definitions Things

Centenarian: A person who has lived to be one hundred years old. He never smoked or he smoked all his life. He used whiskey for eighty years or he never used it. He was a vegetarian or he wasn’t a vegetarian.

Age Definitions Old

“Pass the playing cards,” said Tom ideally.

Tom Swifties

Husband: A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife’s permission to say so.

Definitions Husbands Marriage

I’m getting up on my feedbox here.

Mixed metaphors

Slang: Language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work.

Communication Definitions Language

It is so hot… I saw a squirrel fanning his nuts.

Exaggerations Heat Science/Weather

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Definitions Politicians

Logic: The art of going wrong with confidence.

Definitions

Parents: One of the hardships of a minor’s life.

Definitions Family Parents

She don’t have the sense God gave a gopher.

Miscellaneous

Absence makes a long story short.

Mixed metaphors

They have come up with a perfect understanding; he won't try to run her life, and he won't try to run his, either.

Husbands Marriage Wives

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Communication Language Money

Accountant: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Definitions Occupations

“The censors took all the dirty bits out of my show,” said Tom deludedly.

Tom Swifties

Abort: To correct a misconception.

Definitions

Craze: The other guy’s hobby.

Definitions

The perferator of the crime was apprehended by the police.

Crime Malaprops

“My compliments to the company that makes the Macintosh computer”, said Tom applaudingly.

Tom Swifties

“I’ve joined the navy,” Tom said fleetingly.

Tom Swifties