Author: Anonymous Page 140

I hate to put you through all this rigor mortis.

Mixed metaphors

She has a photogenic memory.

Malaprops Memory

Bigotry is being certain of something you know nothing about.

Beliefs

“I have no recollection of the last twenty-four hours,” said Tom lackadaisically.

Tom Swifties

Collection: A church function in which many take but a passing interest.

Definitions

Anonymous: The worlds most popular author.

Definitions

I'm feeling lack-a-daisy today.

Malaprops

“Pass me the shellfish,” said Tom crabbily.

Tom Swifties

Actions speak louder than words — but not so often.

Communication

Experience: The name an older man gives to his mistakes.

Definitions Mistakes

They think they can do the portrait in one setting.

Malaprops

Bankruptcy: A fate worse than debt.

Definitions Money

Fruitcake: The gift that keeps on giving.

Definitions

Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Divorce Marriage

When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.

Marriage Wives

Alas: Early Victorian for, “Oh, Hell.”

Communication Definitions Language

Caffeine: One of the four basic food groups.

Definitions Food/Drink

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Communication Mistakes Problems

“This wind is awful,” blustered Tom.

Tom Swifties

Automobile: A payment plan on wheels.

Autos Definitions Things

I’m so hungry I could beat a dead horse.

Mixed metaphors