Author: Anonymous Page 141

Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!

Autos Marriage Things

It is so hot… I saw a chicken lay a fried egg.

Exaggerations Heat Science/Weather

Antique: An object that has made a round trip to the attic.

Definitions Things

“I’ve grown fat on the contents of charity packages,” said Tom carefully.

Miscellaneous

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

Definitions Food/Drink

“I see myself as an open-minded person,” Tom said upon reflection.

Tom Swifties

The lining's always more silver on the other side of the cloud.

Mixed metaphors

Liberal: One who tolerates all beliefs and opinions except those with which he disagrees.

Beliefs Definitions

My husband went to Radio Shack and got some dog ears for the TV.

Malaprops Television

Abasement: A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of wealth and power.

Definitions

This will help us to know that we are covering all of the gamuts.

Mixed metaphors

You’d be a overweight neurotic fighter too if your name was Shirley Crabtree.

Sports

You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea.

Age Ideas

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree.

Animals Dogs Education

Bus: A vehicle that has empty seats when going in the opposite direction.

Definitions

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

Definitions

Diet: What helps a person gain weight more slowly.

Definitions Food/Drink

Good Breeding: That quality that enables a person to wait in well-mannered silence while the loudmouth gets the service.

Definitions

That’ll separate the men from the goats.

Mixed metaphors

e-mail: An advertising medium which is misused for personal messaging.

Communication Definitions

He is so fat… he's on both sides of the family.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat