Author: Anonymous Page 141

I’m so hungry I could beat a dead horse.

Mixed metaphors

I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optometrist.

Malaprops

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Definitions Science/Weather Taxes

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

One way to get a real kick out of bridge is to sit opposite your wife.

Activities Games

Alimony: The high cost of leaving.

Definitions Marriage

So there was this dyslexic guy who walked into a bra.

Health

“Your fly is undone,” was Tom’s zippy rejoinder.

Tom Swifties

Conference: A meeting at which people talk about what they should already be doing.

Definitions

The real estate agent can give you all the perpendiculars of this listing.

Malaprops

Ascribe: Newspaper reporter.

Definitions

Long road to hoe.

Mixed metaphors

“I hate math,” Tom added.

Tom Swifties

Falsies: A helpful aid to any girl in acquiring a disappointed husband.

Appearance Clothing Definitions

Skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

Body Definitions

Some people sail through life on a bed of roses like a knife slicing through butter.

Mixed metaphors

Happy as a frog in God's pocket

Emotions Expressions Happiness

The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after; Forty is when you watch the TV during; Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.

Entertainment Marriage Sex Television

Don't count all your eggs in one basket.

Mixed metaphors

It's clear to see who makes the pants here.

Malaprops Marriage

Just keep your eye on the pie.

Malaprops