Author: Anonymous Page 142

Absolute Pitch: Completely dark.

Definitions

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Fools Intelligence

“Watch this insect sail through the air,” said Tom flippantly.

Tom Swifties

She is so fat… the police told her to break it up.

Appearance Exaggerations Fat

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

Time

She's as headstrong as an allegory on the banks of Nile.

Characteristics Malaprops

Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.

Definitions Opinion

Newborn Baby: Fresh heir.

Definitions

Income Tax: The entry fee for the rat race.

Definitions Government Taxes

Efficiency Expert: A man who knows less about your business than you do and gets paid more for telling you how to run it than you could possibly make out of it, even if you ran it right instead of the way he told you to.

Definitions

I wouldn’t speak to her if I met her in hell and she was carrying ice.

Expressions Insults Opinion

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.

Emotions Laughter

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t.

People

Wrinkles: Something other people have… you have character lines.

Appearance Body Definitions

Liberal: A man with his mind open at both ends.

Beliefs Definitions People

But I don't have an intricate relationship with it.

Malaprops

Clichés: Fixtures of speech.

Definitions Language

Hypochondriac: Someone who enjoys bad health.

Definitions Health

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree.

Animals Dogs Education

Toast: The only thing that can be eaten or drunk.

Definitions

Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?

Expressions Marriage