Author: Anonymous Page 142

Let sleeping ducks lie.

Animals Dogs Malaprops

Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher and untied by a lawyer.

Definitions Marriage

“I bought myself fifty hamburgers and I’ve only ten left,” said Tom with fortitude.

Tom Swifties

Hors d'oeuvres: A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.

Definitions Food/Drink

“I wonder if this will unlock the palace gates,” said Tom kinkily.

Tom Swifties

Conservative: A liberal who has just been mugged.

Beliefs Definitions

“This salad dressing has too much vinegar,” said Tom acidly.

Tom Swifties

“I punched him in the stomach three times,” said Tom triumphantly.

Tom Swifties

Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from nonpractitioners.

Communication Language Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather

Job: A place where you work just hard enough to avoid getting fired while getting paid just enough to avoid quitting.

Definitions Work

Ice Fishing: Winter fishing method in which anglers use a variety of specialized equipment to catch colds.

Definitions

It was so cold… my shadow froze to the sidewalk.

Cold Exaggerations Science/Weather

“No, I won’t give you a note saying you’re excused,” said Tom unwaveringly.

Tom Swifties

Censorship: The power of the suppress.

Communication Wordplay

“That horse looks like a good bet at 20 to 1,” said Tom oddly.

Tom Swifties

“I don’t want to rewrite this in prose,” said Tom aversely.

Tom Swifties

Brilliant sunshine rained down on the city.

Misspokements Mixed metaphors

She's so skinny, she has to run around in the shower to get wet.

Appearance Body Expressions

Fruitcake: The gift that keeps on giving.

Definitions

Delta: A river with its mouth full of mud.

Definitions

Liberal: A man who feel’s it’s his responsibility to spend a Conservative’s money.

Beliefs Definitions People