Author: Anonymous Page 143

A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.

Health

Middle age is when we can do just as much as ever – but would rather not.

Age

Marriage: A  relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

Definitions Marriage

He is so fat… he can't even jump to a conclusion.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Bankruptcy: A fate worse than debt.

Definitions Money

Hospital Bed: A parked taxi with the meter running.

Definitions

Don't bite the hand that lays the golden egg.

Mixed metaphors

It was so cold… polar bears were buying fur coats.

Cold Exaggerations Science/Weather

Efficiency Expert: A man who knows less about your business than you do and gets paid more for telling you how to run it than you could possibly make out of it, even if you ran it right instead of the way he told you to.

Definitions

Ugly as a moose chewin ice

Appearance Expressions Ugly

“I’ll show you my illustrated Irish new testament,” said Tom bibliographically.

Tom Swifties

Caterpillar: An upholstered worm.

Animals Definitions

“It’s not fair!” said Tom darkly.

Tom Swifties

Silence: Having nothing to say and saying it.

Communication Definitions Situations Speech

Free Verse: Verse written without rhyme or reason.

Definitions Reading/Writing

Don’t cast swine before bears.

Mixed metaphors

Obsolete: Any computer you own.

Computers Definitions Things

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

Death

One brain washes the other.

Malaprops

Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from nonpractitioners.

Communication Language Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather

His head is so big… he has to step into his shirts.

Appearance Body Exaggerations