Author: Anonymous Page 143

A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.

Middle age is when we can do just as much as ever – but would rather not.

Marriage: A  relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

He is so fat… he can't even jump to a conclusion.

Bankruptcy: A fate worse than debt.

Hospital Bed: A parked taxi with the meter running.

Don't bite the hand that lays the golden egg.

It was so cold… polar bears were buying fur coats.

Efficiency Expert: A man who knows less about your business than you do and gets paid more for telling you how to run it than you could possibly make out of it, even if you ran it right instead of the way he told you to.

Ugly as a moose chewin ice

“I’ll show you my illustrated Irish new testament,” said Tom bibliographically.

Caterpillar: An upholstered worm.

“It’s not fair!” said Tom darkly.

Silence: Having nothing to say and saying it.

Free Verse: Verse written without rhyme or reason.

Don’t cast swine before bears.

Obsolete: Any computer you own.

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

One brain washes the other.

Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from nonpractitioners.

His head is so big… he has to step into his shirts.