Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Anonymous Page 143
A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
Anonymous
Health
Surgery
Vasectomies
Middle age is when we can do just as much as ever – but would rather not.
Anonymous
Age
Middle age
Marriage: A relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
Anonymous
Definitions
Marriage
He is so fat… he can't even jump to a conclusion.
Anonymous
Appearance
Body
Exaggerations
Fat
Bankruptcy: A fate worse than debt.
Anonymous
Definitions
Money
Bankruptcy
Hospital Bed: A parked taxi with the meter running.
Anonymous
Definitions
Hospital Bed
Don't bite the hand that lays the golden egg.
Anonymous
Mixed metaphors
It was so cold… polar bears were buying fur coats.
Anonymous
Cold
Exaggerations
Science/Weather
Efficiency Expert: A man who knows less about your business than you do and gets paid more for telling you how to run it than you could possibly make out of it, even if you ran it right instead of the way he told you to.
Anonymous
Definitions
Efficiency Expert
Ugly as a moose chewin ice
Anonymous
Appearance
Expressions
Ugly
“I’ll show you my illustrated Irish new testament,” said Tom bibliographically.
Anonymous
Tom Swifties
Caterpillar: An upholstered worm.
Anonymous
Animals
Definitions
Caterpillar
“It’s not fair!” said Tom darkly.
Anonymous
Tom Swifties
Silence: Having nothing to say and saying it.
Anonymous
Communication
Definitions
Situations
Speech
Silence
Free Verse: Verse written without rhyme or reason.
Anonymous
Definitions
Reading/Writing
Free verse
Don’t cast swine before bears.
Anonymous
Mixed metaphors
Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Anonymous
Computers
Definitions
Things
Obsolete
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Anonymous
Death
Wills
One
brain
washes the other.
Anonymous
Malaprops
Hand
Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from nonpractitioners.
Anonymous
Communication
Language
Murphy’s Laws
Science/Weather
His head is so big… he has to step into his shirts.
Anonymous
Appearance
Body
Exaggerations
Ears
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