Author: Anonymous Page 144

[Marriage] is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Marriage

Budget: An attempt to live below your yearnings.

Definitions

Spouse: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

Definitions Marriage

Politicians are like diapers; they both need changing regularly and for the same reason.

Government Politicians

After-Dinner Speaker: A fellow who rises to the occasion – and then stands too long.

Definitions

She has a photogenic memory.

Malaprops Memory

Flattery is telling people exactly what they think of themselves.

Characteristics People Self

Isn't that an expensive pendulum round that woman's neck?

Malaprops

They paired off, one by one.

Mixed metaphors

“My friend and I steal things together,” Tom corroborated.

Tom Swifties

We are born naked, wet, and hungry; then things get worse.

Beliefs Murphy’s Laws

We were the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world, and with more diets to keep us from eating it.

Food/Drink Places

Derange: Where de buffalo roam.

Definitions

He’s about as awkward as a cow on crutches.

Expressions

“I’ve removed all the feathers from this chicken,” said Tom pluckily.

Tom Swifties

Unimpeachable Source: The guy that started the rumor in the first place.

Definitions

Are you getting the jest of this?

Malaprops

He's like a cat out of water

Mixed metaphors

Adage: To become older.

Definitions

“I’m on the green,” Tom lied.

Tom Swifties

Conscience: The voice that tells you not to do something after you have done it.

Definitions