Author: Anonymous Page 144

Year: The exact length of time that will pass from the day you get married to the day you forget your first anniversary.

Definitions Marriage Time

Teacher: A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

Children Definitions Education

Among the propensities of humans which almost exceed understanding come the parsimony of the rich and the extravagance of the poor.

Money Poverty Wealth

That's putting the chicken before the cart.

Mixed metaphors

Youth: The first fifty years of your life… the first twenty of anyone else’s.

Age Definitions Young

I haven’t seen him for donkey’s ears!

Malaprops

That's the whole kettle of fish in a nutshell.

Mixed metaphors

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Communication Language

Budget: A schedule for going into debt systematically.

Definitions

“I want a motorized bicycle,” Tom moped.

Tom Swifties

“Why shouldn’t I stir my coffee with a ballpoint pen?” Tom bickered.

Tom Swifties

I looked to see what I could hear.

Mixed metaphors

Absolute Pitch: Completely dark.

Definitions

Hangover: The moaning after the night before.

Alcohol Definitions Food/Drink Health

Those people all corregated over there.

Malaprops

“It’s an actual parameter, not a formal parameter,” was Tom’s argument.

Tom Swifties

Conference: An organized way of postponing a decision.

Definitions

A horse divided against itself cannot stand.

Malaprops

Antiques: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich people.

Definitions Things

Life: A sexually transmitted disease with 100% fatality rate.

Definitions Life

He’d gripe with a ham under each arm.

Expressions