Author: Anonymous Page 145

Always be nice to people on the way up because you'll meet the same people on the way down.

Characteristics People Success

Just keep your eye on the pie.

Malaprops

“I just came in through the door,” said Tom, entranced.

Tom Swifties

“Now I can do some painting,” said Tom easily.

Tom Swifties

Gardener: A man who never lets grass grow under his feet.

Definitions

As the smoke clears at the devastated detention centre, an investigation reveals how officials ignored the warnings that they were sitting on a powder keg.

Mixed metaphors

“Consult an investment broker,” was Tom’s stock answer.

Tom Swifties

“There’s room for one more,” Tom admitted.

Tom Swifties

Bore: A person who takes his time taking your time.

Definitions

How does Teflon stick to the pan?

Science/Weather

A bird in the hand is worth two in the tush.

Malaprops

Insurance: A form of gambling in which we bet our chance of escaping disaster, and win only when we lose.

Definitions

Kleenex: Your daily nose-paper.

Definitions

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.

Characteristics Honesty Lies Science/Weather

Tolerance: That uncomfortable feeling that the other fellow might be right after all.

Beliefs Characteristics Definitions

Philosophy: Common sense in a dress suit.

Definitions Intelligence Wisdom

My wife has just two complaints: first, she’s got absolutely nothing to wear and second, she’s run out of closet space to keep it in.

Appearance Clothing Wives

You are not being diplomatic just because you put please in front of “Shut the hell up.”

Characteristics Situations

“One of the ten finalists in the ‘London derriere’ contest had to drop out”, said Tom asininely.

Tom Swifties

There are rules about riding a horse, but the horse won’t necessarily know them.

Animals

Remember, Rome wasn’t burned an a day.

Mixed metaphors