Author: Anonymous Page 146

Actions speak louder than words — but not so often.

Communication

Never say “Oops” always say “Ah, interesting!”

Communication Mistakes Problems Speech

“I'll have a martini,” said Tom, dryly.

Tom Swifties

Too slow to keep worms in a tin.

Intelligence People Stupidity

It’s like looking for a needle in a hayride.

Mixed metaphors

Hanging: A suspended sentence.

Definitions

It is so hot… chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

Exaggerations Heat Science/Weather

“I’m putting on my T-shirt, shorts, and sunglasses,” Tom summarized.

Tom Swifties

I am sorry to say that my affluence over my niece is very small.

Malaprops

“My wife is cheating on me,” Tom cackled.

Tom Swifties

Advertising: That which makes you think you’ve longed all your life for something you never even heard of.

Communication Definitions

Accident: A thing that is caused by people, but often causes people.

Accidents Definitions Problems

“I wonder if this will unlock the palace gates,” said Tom kinkily.

Tom Swifties

“This boat is leaking,” said Tom balefully.

Tom Swifties

Husband: A man who lost his liberty in the pursuit of happiness.

Definitions Marriage

“Hey, you’re on my foot!” said Tom standoffishly.

Tom Swifties

Chiropodist: A man who makes money hand over foot.

Definitions Doctors Occupations

X Chromosome: Sex chromosome responsible for the desire of dust ruffles, pillow shams, potpourris soap operas and ballroom dancing.

Definitions People Women

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you are in the bathroom.

Places Situations World

They'll have to retaliate the vote.

Malaprops

“Damn it, look at the camera!” Tom snapped.

Tom Swifties