Author: Anonymous Page 147

Tavern: Thirst come, thirst served.

Definitions Food/Drink

Two-minute warning: When your baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Definitions

“Don’t add too much water,” said Tom with great concentration.

Tom Swifties

He received a decease and desist order.

Malaprops

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather

Bus: A vehicle that runs faster when you run after it and runs slowly when you are inside it.

Definitions Driving

“Now no-one can detect my halitosis,” said Tom breathlessly.

Tom Swifties

Wolf: A fellow who wants his hands on a girl, but doesn’t want a girl on his hands.

Definitions Men People

Eulogy: Praise that’s too much and too late.

Death Definitions

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so you can die rich.

Definitions Money

“Who is this Tom Swifty character anyway?” asked Tom unselfconsciously.

Tom Swifties

I'm happier than a woodpecker in a lumber yard.

Miscellaneous

Bowling Alley: A quiet place of amusement where you can hear a pin drop.

Activities Definitions

Regardless of their age, most folks are not as old as they hope to be.

Age Old

Parking Space: An unoccupied place on the other side of the street.

Definitions

Run your kite up the flagpole

Mixed metaphors

It's hotter than the hinges on the gates of hell.

Expressions Heat Science/Weather

Courtesy: The art of yawning with your mouth closed.

Dating Definitions Relationships

Aren't you ever tired of having yourself around?

Insults

“I still haven’t struck oil,” said Tom boringly.

Tom Swifties

Judge: A lawyer who once knew a politician.

Definitions Government Law