Author: Anonymous Page 148

Some people pay their bills when due, some when overdue, and some never do.

It's like locking the barn door after the nuts have bolted.

A man doesn’t know the value of a woman’s love until he starts paying alimony.

“I can see the Greek woodland deity is no more,” Tom said with a deadpan expression.

Ain’t nobody out at that time a night but burglars and bad women.

Parking Space: An unfilled opening in an unending line of cars near an unapproachable fire hydrant.

Diagnosis: A physician’s forecast of the disease by the patient’s pulse and purse.

He's so thin he had to stand twice in the same place to make a shadow.

Love: A form of self-government under a two-party system.

Kids… I like kids, but I couldn’t eat a whole one.

Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.

Dog Kennel: A barking lot.

She is going to join the gym to lose some weights.

Convict: The only person who likes to be stopped in the middle of a sentence.

“Who’s your favorite operatic tenor?” Tom asked placidly.

Vision: Looking farther than you can see.

He really grates me up the wrong way.

He doesn’t have much of a reputation or so I’ve heard.

He is so ugly… he has to sneak up on his mirror.

Budget: A method of worrying before you spend, instead of afterward.

Bus: A vehicle that runs faster when you run after it and runs slowly when you are inside it.