Author: Anonymous Page 148

Some people pay their bills when due, some when overdue, and some never do.

Money

It's like locking the barn door after the nuts have bolted.

Mixed metaphors

A man doesn’t know the value of a woman’s love until he starts paying alimony.

Marriage

“I can see the Greek woodland deity is no more,” Tom said with a deadpan expression.

Tom Swifties

Ain’t nobody out at that time a night but burglars and bad women.

Expressions Time

Parking Space: An unfilled opening in an unending line of cars near an unapproachable fire hydrant.

Definitions

Diagnosis: A physician’s forecast of the disease by the patient’s pulse and purse.

Definitions Health

He's so thin he had to stand twice in the same place to make a shadow.

Miscellaneous

Love: A form of self-government under a two-party system.

Definitions Emotions Love

Kids… I like kids, but I couldn’t eat a whole one.

Age Children Family Travel

Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.

Computers Definitions Things

Dog Kennel: A barking lot.

Animals Definitions Dogs

She is going to join the gym to lose some weights.

Activities Exercise Misspokements

Convict: The only person who likes to be stopped in the middle of a sentence.

Crime Definitions

“Who’s your favorite operatic tenor?” Tom asked placidly.

Tom Swifties

Vision: Looking farther than you can see.

Definitions Intelligence Thinking

He really grates me up the wrong way.

Mixed metaphors

He doesn’t have much of a reputation or so I’ve heard.

Beliefs Opinion

He is so ugly… he has to sneak up on his mirror.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

Budget: A method of worrying before you spend, instead of afterward.

Definitions

Bus: A vehicle that runs faster when you run after it and runs slowly when you are inside it.

Definitions Driving