Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Anonymous Page 148
Some people pay their bills when due, some when overdue, and some never do.
Anonymous
Money
Bills
It's like locking the barn door after the nuts have bolted.
Anonymous
Mixed metaphors
A man doesn’t know the value of a woman’s love until he starts paying alimony.
Anonymous
Marriage
Alimony
“I can see the Greek woodland deity is no more,” Tom said with a deadpan expression.
Anonymous
Tom Swifties
Ain’t nobody out at that time a night but burglars and bad women.
Anonymous
Expressions
Time
Parking Space: An unfilled opening in an unending line of cars near an unapproachable fire hydrant.
Anonymous
Definitions
Parking Space
Diagnosis: A physician’s forecast of the disease by the patient’s pulse and purse.
Anonymous
Definitions
Health
Diagnosis
He's so thin he had to stand twice in the same place to make a shadow.
Anonymous
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
Thin
Love: A form of self-government under a two-party system.
Anonymous
Definitions
Emotions
Love
Kids… I like kids, but I couldn’t eat a whole one.
Anonymous
Age
Children
Family
Travel
Kids
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Anonymous
Computers
Definitions
Things
Keyboard
Dog Kennel: A barking lot.
Anonymous
Animals
Definitions
Dogs
Dog Kennel
She is going to join the gym to lose some
weights.
Anonymous
Activities
Exercise
Misspokements
Weight
Convict: The only person who likes to be stopped in the middle of a sentence.
Anonymous
Crime
Definitions
Convict
“Who’s your favorite operatic tenor?” Tom asked placidly.
Anonymous
Tom Swifties
Vision: Looking farther than you can see.
Anonymous
Definitions
Intelligence
Thinking
Vision
He really grates me up the wrong way.
Anonymous
Mixed metaphors
Behavior
He doesn’t have much of a reputation or so I’ve heard.
Anonymous
Beliefs
Opinion
Oxymorons
Reputation
He is so ugly… he has to sneak up on his mirror.
Anonymous
Appearance
Exaggerations
Ugly
Budget: A method of worrying before you spend, instead of afterward.
Anonymous
Definitions
Budget
Bus: A vehicle that runs faster when you run after it and runs slowly when you are inside it.
Anonymous
Definitions
Driving
Bus
Speed
Transportation
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