Author: Anonymous Page 149

Bureaucracy: A system that enables ten men to do the work of one.

Definitions Government

Accident: When presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.

Accidents Definitions Problems

Hobby: Something you do to have fun whether you enjoy it or not.

Activities Definitions

“Yes, we have no bananas,” Tom said fruitlessly.

Tom Swifties

“Pretend we were in the days before railways,” Tom coached.

Tom Swifties

Interpreter: A ventriloquist using two dummies.

Communication Definitions Language

It’s all moth-eared.

Malaprops

It was so cold… pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers' pockets to keep warm.

Cold Exaggerations Science/Weather

Bliss: Having no idea what is really happening.

Definitions

Inflation: Being broke with a lot of money in your pocket.

Definitions Money

… one says to the other her mum had a cyst on on her aviary.

Health Malaprops

Parents: The one thing children wear out faster than shoes.

Definitions Family Parents

Many a man fails as an original thinker simply because his memory is too good.

Intelligence Memory Wisdom

Peeping Tom: A window fan.

Definitions Wordplay

Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.

Definitions People

Having one wife is called monotony.

Malaprops Marriage

Vegetarian: Indian word for bad hunter.

Definitions

Carpet: A floor covering that is bought by the yard and worn by the foot.

Definitions

Those two get on like a horse on fire.

Mixed metaphors

Coaching: Eliminating mistakes before you get fired.

Definitions

Statistician: A person who believes that if you put your head in a furnace and your feet in a bucket of iced water, on the average you should feel reasonably comfortable.

Definitions Occupations